Self Responsibility Jan 9

"We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."

~ Codependent No More

Caretaking.  It sounds like such a nice word but taking care of another person can be damaging.  I prevented my son from hitting his bottom enough times to see I was hurting him vs. helping him find sobriety.

Being split between an  INFP & ENFP personality type (heaven help me) caretaking is innate to my being.   I don't mean to take on responsibilities of other's, but I do.  Knowing this about myself I'm constantly asking myself, "Does this belong to me?" I hold it up, look at all sides and if it's "mine" I keep it and work through what needs to be done and if it is not...I'm learning to give it back to it's owner.

While going through just the first 9 days of the month in this book it dawned on me that while these meditations are helpful in general, as individuals we all handle things differently.  As Shrek so aptly put it, we're like onions.  We have all these layers that make us this beautiful, unique individual.  While I might relate better to those in my personality types, I am also a Piscean influenced by Aquarius rising, an Empath, and element wise I'm Earth.  Each of these different layers creates the way I experience Life and interact with others.  So, while blanket statements can be beneficial....I'm seeing that as this unique individual that I am...not all of these blanket statements work for me.  AND because I think way too much, I'm working out a new way to process these steps in a way that works for me.  Since the focus of this book is learning to put ourselves first, sounds like a plan of attack.

I do not feel responsible for another person's happiness, healing, whatever life process they are going through.  I know how they feel is separate from me.  That doesn't mean that I don't deeply desire to help them.  My biggest problem is helping when it has not been asked of me.  I want to help so much and share what I've learned to benefit another that I can come off as pushy...and a pain in the ass.  Even though that is not my intent.  Many teachers (people) come into my life to teach me this lesson over and over...and over again.  Thank you.  I want to get this right and stop the lessons.

Back when I was 19 I had an experience that grounded me in the belief that I am NOT responsible for another's emotions or their actions.  During a breakup the guy threatened to kill himself if I left him.  Talk about a guilt trip right?

While I was emotionally devastated over leaving the love of my life, I knew it was the right thing to do for me.  A peaceful sensation washed over me during this conversation.  My inner voice said...nope this is not on your shoulders, it's on him.  So I told the guy that whatever decision he made was his to make and had nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for my own emotions and it is not possible for me to make anyone else feel a certain emotion, that is an internal function....  I do not have that much power.  If you think I do, then you've given your power away to another that cannot even use it.

Where I trip and fall on my ass is with my family....especially my kids.  I am aware enough that this is an issue for me that I keep an eye out for stepping into the pit falls I choose not to see (inventory).  It's a tricky dance, but I'm finding balance.

"Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself.  I will let others do the same.  If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Relationships Jan 6

"If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well.   
A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life.  
A relationship is a continuation of life." 
~ Beyond Codependency

Relationships are the joy and bane of my existence.  Indeed relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road...hence the title of this portion of my blog.  We can't learn and grow in isolation.  No matter how hard I try to prove otherwise.  Melody points out that being a codependent..well you have to be in a relationship with another human being to be codependent right?  Right Or with pets, they count in my book....our goal in recovery is to demonstrate responsibility towards ourselves.  Sigh.  It sounds so easy!  As easy as ice skating looks to me, but it takes practice not to fall on your ass.

Through relationships...not just love, but co-workers, friends, siblings, all of them..I am learning to take care of myself.  I'm also learning to be intimate when it feels right.  I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy, but making a connection with another person on a deep level. I'm also learning that just because I'm finally ready for relating to people again, it doesn't mean someone else is ready to work through it with me.  What I see though is self-care in action.  In the end, it's a successful situation.  If something is meant to be, it will happen. 

Melody asks us to consider the following questions in our relationships.  Boy is it making me think...hard.

• Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control?
• Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say might be uncomfortable?
• Is there someone we've been avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that person?
• Do we need to make an amend?
• Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?

Uh..Yes.. and since this is all more personal than a blog...this work is private stuff.  However, I have learned some things over the years that I can share.

When we meet another person that attracts us to them (that person behind you in line, friend, lover, etc) we are seeing qualities in them that we have yet to uncover, cultivate within ourselves.  It's there, this quality.  We just need help uncovering it.  These people are like a two-way mirror.  By looking into them we are actually seeing a part of ourselves reflecting back into us.  Now, the trick is identifying the trait they have that you need to uncover.  When our relationships end many times its because one of us did not uncover that trait and now unknowingly resent the other person for owning that shiny thing we once admired.

As synchronicity goes, I got an email from The Daily Love addressing this same concept.  Spot on.  Kinda freaky actually.  Anyway, I've taken this approach for the past gosh...since 1998 when I left an abusive, now ex, husband.  While I could look at the events in our relationship and see what happened...he could not open his eyes to see.  I learned so much from him.  Mainly through trials by fire, but I came out purified and tempered into the me I am meant to be.  He still walks with his eyes closed to life around him with little signs of growth.  That is his work, not mine.  So, I had to move on.  I send him love...so much love it overflows like a river breaking it's banks.  Through this show of love I unconsciously intimidate my abuser, or so my daughter tells me.  I had no idea the power of love could turn a situation around.  It can change anything.  Love through the pain, hurt, grief, anger...love yourself AND the other person and watch the shift occur.

#Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability.  
I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust.  
I will ask for what I need and give what feels right."
~ The Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Separating from Family Issues Jan 4

This past year I've felt I lost three family members.  What I see now is that I finally set boundaries saying, "I can no longer tolerate the way you treat me. Our current relationship does not serve my best interest.  The hurting must stop." It's sucked!  It was the right thing to do.  I am in a healthier state of being without these toxic relationships.  It doesn't hurt any less though.  Silver lining....Hello major step to nurturing myself with boundaries!

I've dog-eared this page.  Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves.  Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue.  It doesn't belong to us/me/you.  I forget this.  I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath.  Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled.  It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.

My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them.  In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change.  In this situation, I changed.  I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet?  Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done."  I was ready to end what wasn't good for me.  I reached my limit.

Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch.  I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope.  I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away.  I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word.  Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand.  I'm working through my emotions.  What do I need?  What feels right?  What can I live with?  When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.

In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado.  I need my support system.  In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs."  TBI is a daily challenge.  Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone.  It is not in my best interest.  So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met.  This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave.  Nothing in life is easy.  Things will work out for my higher good.  Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love.  What a journey!

Today, I will learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues.  

I will also step into their welcome embrace and allow them to help me...because I need their help.  

I need to remember that allowing them to help me makes them feel good too.  I can offer them a way to help me that is healthy for us all.

~ Kristy