Letting Go of Guilt - Jan 11

"There is a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," 

said one recovering woman, 

"The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

Guilt, in a healthy expression, is meant to keep us on the right track...so to speak.  It's an internal warning system that let's us know when we are doing something wrong.

However, through our families, and relationships with other's this natural instinct to help us correct course has been turned into a weapon.  Guilt is used as a means to control another human being.  On the other hand, it is an internal feeling and in nobody's control except our own.  Also in our own control is how we speak to others to make sure our words are not being said to control another person.

My kids hated this lesson growing up.  "Mom, you make me feel guilty for _____" fill in the blank with a behavior.  "No.  I do not make you feel anything.  Not even love. You feel on your own and have the power to control those feelings. (again not listening to myself preach. Dam!) I do not have that type of power.  You feel guilty for what you've done, not my words.  Maybe you should think about what you did, why you feel guilty and get back to me with a solution."  Yep, it totally sucked to have me as a mom growing up.  Yet, my kids love me...so I did something right along the way.

There will always be people in our lives that can push our buttons.  The opening quote was the basis of the abuse I survived in my second marriage.  I literally began to feel crazy because he could take a situation and turn it around to where it was my fault.  Questioning myself at every turn became my creed. I no longer could trust my own thoughts.  He made everything sound so rational that I believed him. At last I started a journal.  I wrote down everything so I could come back to it later to see if I was really crazy or if it was him.  I never told my family while this was happening.  They might think I was crazy too after all.  I would pose some of the situations to my mom for her opinion and that's when I realized I needed counseling. This is an extreme case, but where I truly learned about guilt, manipulation and controlling another person.

Through counseling I learned the best analogy.  Many people over the years could not understand why I would stay in an abusive relationship for 7 years.  How could you allow him to control you?  I had no answer.  This helps outsiders understand and it applies to guilt associated with those addicted to drugs in our life as well and how we respond to it....

Take a frog and toss it in a pot of boiling water. What will it do?  It will immediately jump out.  It's survival instinct kicks in sensing danger to preserve it's life.  Now, take that same frog and put it in a pot of temperate water.  Then slowly increase the heat of the water.  What does the frog do?  It stays in the pot until his goose is literally cooked.  Why?  Because the temperature change is so gradual it is unaware of the danger.  So, it stays in the pot until it is too late.

My son is the best at pushing mine.  He will bring up things from our shared past and wave it in front of me knowing I feel bad for it and then use it to get what he wants in the moment.  When I finally stopped feeling guilty about things I did when he was growing up, he can no longer manipulate me through guilt.  The sensation of being free is ....delightful.

For me, learning to say no AND that it is a complete sentence is a major step forward.  My giving nature is often taken advantage of by people.  I know it.  I see it.  I feel it.  Now I have a choice.  I can chose yes or no as a response.  By taking an internal inventory of the pros, cons and which answer feels right...I can feel better about my decisions without feeling guilty.  It is self-care to say no.

"Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings.  Light and love are on my side."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Fear - Jan 10

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

~ Marianne Williamson

Fear is my biggest foe.  We battle it out all the time both of us bloody from the fight.  I'm tired of it.  How about you?

Every time I think I've learned this lesson...that by facing and walking through our fears we are being guided towards growth...I falter.  The voice of the ego (evil devil) overpowers the voice of the observer of my life (soul, angel, guide).  I've noticed that the more I live in fear, the more I attract situations that induce fear in myself.  We get what we focus on.  Law of Attraction.

After my car accident an awareness that the sense of fear that always sat in my belly was missing. Gone. In it's place was an inner tranquility I'd never felt before.  It was so comfortable!  As the years go by, different medications are tested on me and I grow...the fear comes back.  It no longer resides in my belly...ya know that "pit in your stomach" that you can feel all balled up?  That has not come back...thank you!  Instead it takes up temporary residence in my thoughts, the way I look at a situation, interaction I see all sides and this can induce fear.  By living life in fear, it is not truly living.  It's closing yourself off to a full life.

There is always something beneath the fear.  Fear, anger, shame...all cover up another emotion if you dare to look deeper.  For me, the fear is that I will get exactly what I want and that i have not thought fully enough about what I really want.

"Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability.  

Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner."  

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy