The Morning After - life forever altered

The Morning After
my dad died

October 9, 2004
It was still dark out as I silently climbed out of bed.   Mom, my daughter and niece were all still sleeping soundly in the California King size bed.  I needed a strong dose of coffee and my morning nicotine fix.  I tiptoed to the kitchen so I didn’t wake the full house.  Still in a daze I stood impassive at the counter as the water dripped through the coffee grounds staring out into the darkness of morning.  I walked out front bundled up in a warm jacket with my steaming hot coffee.  Sitting down on the ice cold concrete step I lit up a cigarette.  Inhaling the smoke I wished they would make the pain cease.   I heard dad’s voice, “I thought you promised me you’d quit smoking?”  To which I replied in my head, “Give me some time dad, you only just died 12 hours ago!  I’m sorry, but a disembodied voice in my head chastising me for smoking isn’t what I need right now.  Ok?” As if he was going to answer.

Gazing up into the indigo twilight sky the stars shone brightly above me.  Shadows were cast by the overhanging tree limbs on either side of where I sat.  A small gust of wind picked up twisting my hair above my head.  A smile emerged on my face acknowledging the hug of wind that felt like a “hello, I love you and am with you” from dad.  The starlight streamed down on me in those pre-dawn moments coloring my skin white with a blue glow.  Observing the blue hue to my skin seemed appropriate.  Pointing out the familiar star formations to myself it suddenly struck me that my life would never again be the same.  Today was the start of a new life.  A life that will not include dad.  Thoughts wafted thorough my mind like soft, white clouds on a summer day.

Dad made a relatively easy transition into spirit.  Slowly comprehension started sinking in that dad is gone from my reality.  Those of us left behind, no matter what, miss those that go before us.  Dad asked us not to grieve for him.  It wasn’t for dad that I grieved in those early morning moments.  I grieved for the loss of his presence in my life.  I took dad for granted as a permanent fixture not understanding the impermanence of this world in which we live until this moment.  The tide of feelings surging within me was a mixture of emptiness, hurt, bewilderment and feeling utterly lost.  Sometimes life really sucks.

At 35 I looked out at the twilit world through the eyes of a child having just lost her father.  A lifetime of memories rushed passed in mere moments ending in tears and unanswerable questions.  Faces of loved ones that already passed flashed on the movie screen of my mind:  Grandma, my dog Buttons, Pappy, Mr. Horne, Badger then finally Dad.  Why?  Why did Daddy have to leave us now?  I expected at least another 10-20 years with him.  Did I ever really know the man that was my father?  He kept so much about himself a mystery.  Does it matter that I didn’t know everything about him?  What will life be like without dad?  When will this overwhelming emptiness stitched together with an unbearable ache end?  I wondered if it would ever end as I sat wrapping my arms around myself to hold the shattered shards of myself together.

Rocking back and forth on the cold step I sunk deeper into myself because there were no other arms that could hold me.  How can I be filled with such overwhelming pain and sadness that it oozed out of me flowing onto the ground where I sat, yet at the same time feel like a gaping hole was ripped out of my chest along with my heart?   My mind searched for comprehension, but found none.  It was a paradox of sensation:  full and empty at the same time. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but the pain is mind numbing.

Will I survive this pain?  It didn’t feel like I would survive, but I knew the pain would lessen with time and I would indeed survive.  I survived grandma’s death, then Pappy’s, Mr. Horne’s and recently Badger.  That thought only made me cry harder.  Would a day come where I would not remember dad’s face?  No.  I resolved to never forget dad’s face.  I etched the warmth of his smile and ever changing eyes of blue into my mind.  When I close my eyes, his face smiles at me five years later.

Standing Up For Ourselves - Jan 15

"We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, 

while others have beneficial consequences.  We learn we have a choice."

~ Beyond Codependency

As a mom, I will stand up and defend my kids (when they are in the right) like a mama bear.  You don't mess with my kids or you will face my wrath.  If only I could do this for myself!

I had my son when I was 19 which means more than 1/2 my life I've been standing up for my kids.  I've also been aware that while I will fight tooth and nail for them, I don't have the same resolve for myself.  Years I've pondered this conundrum.

It is just so darn easy to look in on someone else's Life and know what they need to do.  "You are not a doormat, you are worthy of being treated like the precious gift you are.", "You are great at what you do and deserve a raise based on what other's in your field earn...go get that raise...you can do it!".  We can see from outside that a relationship is abusive, a friend is being manipulated, worker's rights are being violated...whatever is going on...we can see it. So, why is it so hard to do this for ourselves?

In our own situations we have a myopic view of our world.  We are enmeshed in the situation at hand and cannot see the forest for the trees.  I was also unwittingly taught growing up that it was not alright to be assertive.  "The meek shall inherit the earth." or so says an ancient script.  Yes, well there is a difference between being meek and a doormat.  Being assertive is healthy, I now know this to be true.  Personally, I tend to not want to hurt another person's feelings.  By stepping too easily in their shoes I watch what I say, how it's said and more often than not do what is in their best interest vs. my own.  Stop Kristy.

As Life does, I was put in several situations that forced me to stand up for myself.  The more valuable the teaching, the harder the lesson is to learn.  Now what I've observed is that when we go through our Dark Night of the Soul that brings us into ourselves we are provided a guide.  Someone new or currently in our lives is there to assist us.  If we allow this, the transition is so much easier.  I, however, am not one for taking the easier Path for some horrendous reason.  Yet, I have allowed someone to take me by the hand and gently guide me to myself and man...what a beautiful process.

Melody doesn't offer any advise here, but adds this "Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do."  Brilliant!  Oh yes, the Universe will bring the lesson to you through future teachers until you stop and stand up for yourself.  I was recently smack upside the head with a lesson I thought I learned.  Expect surprise quizzes to test your resolve.  Just when you think to yourself, "Yes!  I've finally learned...." you WILL be tested.  Each day is a fresh start.  Don't look back.  Keep moving forward.  You'll get better until you can stop.

"Today, I will rally to my own cause.  I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate.  Help me, Universe, to let go of my need to be victimized.  Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Good Feelings - Jan 13

Happy Friday the 13!  It's been a great day to me for years no matter what people seem to think....your reality follows your thoughts.  Keep them positive and that's what you get.

I'm in recovery for a few things.  I'm a recovering co-dependent, traumatic brain injury survivor, and psoriatic arthritis thriver.  Today's topic in the Language of Letting Go is about good feelings.  She points out that in recovery many times we only focus on the big 3 - anger, fear and pain.  To my philosophy by focusing on those exclusively we draw them to us.  There is a difference between working through emotions and allowing them to be the cocoon in which you dwell.  That isn't healthy.

I know from experience that we can dwell so long in our tower of misery that we come to believe we are only allowed to feel the negative emotions.  Conditioning can also make us believe that we don't deserve positive thing to happen to us.  Fear of losing what we are lucky enough to enjoy in this life, that we will unconsciously do everything in our power to push it away.  After stepping back, I can see I did this recently.

I swore to myself that i would walk through the fear.  In the end, I'm not sure if I created a boundary to be good to myself or block myself from happiness.  I'm not a loser though, because I walk away this time with open eyes.  I can look at the dynamic of the situation and see where boundaries were appropriate and where they were actually armed turrets with warriors shouting, "No one shall pass.  Leave. Now."  Why I'm a winner is exactly what Melody points out...by learning the lesson.  What did I learn aside from blocking myself?

I do not need to feel bad because someone else isn't able to feel the good yet.  I can allow myself to feel good.  My family members may have thrown away their futures, but I still have one to live.  I don't need to throw mine away just because they have.  I am an individual, not just part of a family unit.

It's perfectly normal for us to put obstacles in our path to experience the positive in life.  We become so comfortable with the more familiar emotions, less-positive path.  Now saying that...it's okay for us to feel good.  It's healthy to feel good, be happy, experience joy so deep we can't help smiling till it hurts.  I give myself permission to be happy now....that's winning.  I came out the other end, granted, in an unexpected place...but it's where I need to be.  Everything happens for a reason.  Least I forget my daily mantra for the past 15 years. I let go of the reason and look for the lesson instead.  Be happy.  It's a conscious choice.  Choosing anything else is what's crazy.

"Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can.  I can have many moments of feeling good;  I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful and good."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

What is it like to be me? INFP/ENFP

There is more to each personality than to say, I am an INFP/ENFP, or whatever classification is used to dissect what makes us tick as humans.  Every experience in our life shapes us and changes us.  However, at the core of me is this mixture of INFP/ENFP.  My first test was done in high school with a heavy leaning towards introvert.  Yet, as I've grown older I'm nearly split down the middle.  I recently came across a book that describes both sides of me to such a T that I couldn't help laughing.  My dog just looked at me like I'm crazy.  Now I know why I often feel as if I have multiple personalities.  I do.

INFP
From Conversations with Harmonizer Clarifiers

The following is adapted from Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi, The 16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery (Telos Publications, 1999)

What’s it like to be you?


I have a very internal focus. I think I look at myself through other people’s eyes, but sometimes I can lose touch with how things work for me. Then I can get introspective, going very deep and staying there, not coming out too quickly or easily. Somehow I find it very difficult to put into words and communicate the things that really matter to me. Most people don’t have the foggiest notion about what goes on with me.

I like harmony and seek consensus and do well with the deep issues. My values and the things that are important to me often feel outside the mainstream in the sense that I feel impinged upon and uncomfortable with so much of what goes on. I’m too private to push my values on to other people, but I am convinced that one ought to be congruent in their own life if they are going to expect congruence from others. In a sense I hold other people to that standard, and I worry about my own incongruities, inconsistencies, and contradictions. Groups can be hard. I can put myself in the group process so rapidly and so completely, and it’s important not to get sucked in. I need to be predictable about what I believe.

I am a global thinker and I like to learn interactively. My thoughts need to be connected with some person or value. On reflection, don’t all thoughts have to be connected to something? I feed new information into other things I’ve read and my thoughts, and I can have a marvelous time just sitting with ideas. And I like to discuss or write things because I seem to have a lot in my head and I’ve got to get it out. I love bringing together different eclectic ideas and seeing what’s similar. I like to have my own ideas, hear others ideas, and have ideas challenged, bantering back and forth. Chitchat has no interest for me. I tend to do a lot of mental rehearsal and play in problem solving, and the fun part is figuring out how to do something. Motivation comes when something has real meaning or value for me, and while I enjoy ideas I don’t like having my values challenged.

For me, asking questions is just a different form of being quiet, a way to explore an inner thought stream or check out of reality and back into my thoughts. Sometimes I chuckle at myself that there is really no sequential way that I work though tasks...

I’m concerned about how others feel when they are around me. Lack of honesty or ethics or integrity in interactions—when someone is saying one thing but doing another—really puts me off. So does when someone doesn’t honor, or accept as valid, my communication or feeling as I try to talk to them about something that matters to me. And I don’t need to talk about myself. I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes I’m frustrated trying to communicate, and sometimes a metaphor or a joke or a story is a way to effectively express myself so what I’m saying can be heard by someone who hears or experiences things differently.

I don’t know what I am going to do next, but I trust in myself that something will come in as a new idea, with challenge and inner meaning. Whatever it is, it will be right. Although I would never actually say it, it feels as though I am grounded in the very being of who I am when I talk like this.

Themes

For Harmonizer Clarifiers, life is a process of uncovering mysteries, the mysteries of life - personal values and meanings and the meaning of life in general. They like learning about people, why they do what they do and who they are. They want to relate on a deep level, to be touched deeply and to resolve issues. Exploring moral questions like what is right and wrong and the battle between good and evil fascinates them. Knowing people's intentions helps them feel comfortable with their relationships.

They enjoy getting reaquainted with themselves. To not have a sense of congruence with their values and unity with oneself is worse than death. They must have a sense of integrity and wholeness.

They have a talent for facilitive listening and knowing what is behind what is said. When they listen deeply to another person, they help that person clarify their identity, their wants, and their needs. They want to help others enjoy who they are, accept themselves, and believe in themselves. Sometimes it is hard to turn off the deep listening, and they pay the price for presenting a more acceptable, conventional persona to the world.

Life is full of paradoxes and they are constantly balancing opposites. They can be fun and playful yet serious and intense. Others rarely glimpse the whole, rich tapestry of their lives. They often relate to others through stories and metaphors to connect differences and to provide gentle encouragement. Stories tap into that wordless internal world that is the source of knowing what is right and important.

Their thought processes tend to be relational and integrative. "Going with the flow" helps them connect the seemingly unconnectable, life's many opposites. They often start in the middle of an idea, grasping its importance, and love to have the freedom to flow from one thought to the next. They have a way of knowing what is believable.

Their incredible ability to be present with another on a deep level requires a different sense of time than structured time. They often speak of struggling with structure, forever trying to get their lives in order.

Relationships

For Harmonizer Clarifiers, relationships are about selfdiscovery - each person learning more about who he or she really is. There is an idealism in the process of relating, and everything has a symbolic significance. They want the other person, the group members, or the community to have a sense of purpose and ethics. They will just know when they are getting the "real" person in the relationship. Integrity, validation, and affirmation are very important. They can be an enigma with many aspects of themselves for different relationships. Sharing beliefs are important. They are often disappointed if the other person or the group doesn't share their beliefs and will tend to withdraw and be silent. There is a lot of self-reflectiveness about how to "be" in a relationship, and they may miss the moment for connecting; so much is internal, but they want so much to connect they may do it indirectly.

In their close relationships, they can be very subtle and are often the most romantic. Others may miss the significance of their symbolic gestures. When the other person is right for them, the person is totally right, and when the other person is not, then that person is totally wrong. They expect the relationship to be deep and meaningful. When it is, they are willing to commit.

.............................................................................................................................................................



ENFP Portrait - Discoverer Advocate

What’s it like to be you?
I have to be directly in contact with people and know that somehow I am influencing what happens for them in a positive way. That is a kind of driving force in my life, actualizing potential, giving encouragement, letting people know what I think they can do. I have been told I have this uncanny ability to absolutely zero in on and intuit what people need. I sometimes recognize something about them that they have not said to anybody else. And they say, “How did you know?”

I see myself as a facilitator. It’s not about imposing what I want to see happen, although I have some grand ideal of everyone having a better life or feeling better or dealing with a particular issue. Being able to understand people in depth gives me a feeling I have been friends with them forever, and when I act too much that way, they may not be able to handle it. But I feel sad when I see potential in someone and they are either denying it or not able to access it in some way. I’m very sensitive too, but sometimes easily discouraged, and I still go on thrilled to meet new people, with an interest in assisting them in whatever they are seeking. I give them both knowledge and meaning. I bring a fresh perspective and my appreciation for people’s goodness.

If I’m stuck for hours working at a monotonous task, I get peculiar, zonky, and weird. I get very tired if I can’t get out and exchange information. I’ll lack bounce, the bubbling of ideas that makes me run through life. I absolutely have to have a fulfilling job or I get depressed. I want to use my talents, make a difference, and have autonomy. If not, I struggle to retain a sense of self and it’s like my spirit is dying.

People talk about being drawn to me. Friends are so important to me and I have good intentions. I like to think I’ll do whatever I can do to hold on to them, but often I don’t get around to writing or calling. They know that if they create a friendship with me, then the friendship is going to be intense and loyal and I will be there for them when they really need me. And I can engage with people that I care about who are a distance away and feel like they are a part of my life on an ongoing basis, picking up a lot of feeling from what they write or when they call. It would be easier to spin straw into gold than be totally alone...

I remember this wonderful little boy, but he was conning everyone. I kept looking straight at him, “in the soul,” and finally he put his hands up over his eyes and said, “You’ve got to quit looking at me like that. I can look at people like that, but you can’t look at me like that.” And I completely understood him and I said, “I know who you are, and it’s not bad. It’s good, you’re good, and you have promise.” That’s what people don’t want to hear—I see you, I value you, I care what you’ll become, and I wish to be a part of that if you need me.

Themes

For Discoverer Advocates, life is a process of inspiring and facilitating others to find and reach their full potential. They have a talent for seeing the core of someone, the unspoken essential goodness. They become the spokesperson for others, for what is needed most and for their higher purpose. They enjoy exploring perceptions and sharing deep emotional content, the "real stuff". This sharing is a magical moment when they truly connect. They constantly seek to have ideal relationships where they can have many ideal moments. To not have these empathetic moments is like being cut off from themselves.

Life is like a story. Stories provide ways to find meaning and to make a difference and provide the connecting thread that helps them know and understand others and through the situations.

Their thought process seem random; however, they are connective and relational. They are able to mediate differences and conflict by seeing the ways the differences connect. They often become the "voice" for the unspoken meanings they so easily pick up. They strive to keep communication channels open to make the best of a situation. They have a way of making things work without knowing why, which gives them the air of being magical as they respond courageously to their insights. The creative process is an important part of their lives.

In the interpersonal arena, they often instantly like people or not. Liking the people they are with is important. With their talent for seeing what's not being said, they often responds to others needs while putting their own needs and wants on hold. They like to spark something in others that others don't see themselves. They must be able to authentically live with themselves and seek to recognize happiness wherever it is.

They often feel a strong need to discover a definitive direction for themselves. They want the magical situtation to be permanent so are paradoxically on a continual quest for direction, resulting in a feeling of unrest.

Relationships

For Discoverer Advocates, relationships are about being on the same wavelength. People often get the sense they are understood perfectly by them. They are so perceptive in the moment that they read and mirror the other person's mood , the meaning of the other persons behavior, and when they're on, they're really right and everything feels in sync. The downside is they can make a lot of assumptions and projections that are sometimes really wrong. They can establish rapport instantly, can be charming and flirtatious in a way that uniquely connects with the other person. They frequently do whatever it takes to understand the deep meaning in what others do. Others may feel strangely connected with them, as if they have known them forever, and yet know nothing about them. They are uncanny at being the center of attention without being the topic of conversation. Getting at deep issues is important to them, and in the process, they are often catalysts for change. They want everyone to engage.

In their close relationships, they are romanticizing and idealistic. They want to share interests, ideas, and activities. Their ideal is a twin-like relationship. participating with each other, sharing the experience of it, where the relationship is real-time, live and in-person, with each other's beliefs the same. When that ideal connection is not there, they can become disillusioned and disappointed. They are often supportive of their partner's efforts to develop his or her potential and want to be supported and nurtured in return.

Finding Balance - Jan 12

I'm finally caught up to the correct date and topic.  Yay.  I've found it difficult to work through too many things in a single day.  It overloads my system and since the tbi I have to recover through sleep.  Sleep has captured me for long periods of time the past few days.  Here is to learning my limits and having some patience...I have none..and don't ask for patience...you only get trapped in situation after situation requiring patience.  It sucks.

Balance.  The striving point for every one in this Life is balance.  Work, family, play, relationships, me time, work, rest, sleep...there is so much to balance.  I visualize a teeter-totter in my mind when I think of balance.  There must be a counter balance to maintain our equilibrium.  Right?  Too much of anything is not good for you as the saying goes.  And it is, sadly, true.

In order to keep balance...maintaining the narrow path is difficult....there must be a balance of forces.  Think of that teeter totter.  When one side goes up, the other side goes down.  In order to stay in balance a flow happens between the two opposing forces.  Walking our path we go up mountains and down into valleys. Balance or the Yin and Yang is walking that line between opposing forces.  Sometimes the only way we can find balance is to go to extremes.  That's okay.  It's maintaining the awareness that matters and moving towards the balance point, which is not necessarily center.

Currently I know I'm out of balance.  I feel it in my body, mind and soul.  In order to find the balance point, I need to know where I am first.  By figuring out where I'm at I can then look for the opposing force that will counterbalance my current state of being to bring me back into balance.  Ever the deep thinker am I.

Dancing is now part of my daily routine.  It gets me out of my head, into my body and allows me to express my emotions in a healthy manner.  Most importantly dancing is also conditioning my body, which needs it badly. Meditation.  Each day I check in with me to see where I'm at so I have a baseline reference to make sure I'm taking care of myself.  During this time I send love to every part of me and to others I care about.  Writing this blog is another outlet for me to get out what I've been holding onto for too long.

Balance is a goal.  Like Life, is about the journey, not the destination.

"Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes

 to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys.  

Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley 

is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Letting Go of Guilt - Jan 11

"There is a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," 

said one recovering woman, 

"The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

Guilt, in a healthy expression, is meant to keep us on the right track...so to speak.  It's an internal warning system that let's us know when we are doing something wrong.

However, through our families, and relationships with other's this natural instinct to help us correct course has been turned into a weapon.  Guilt is used as a means to control another human being.  On the other hand, it is an internal feeling and in nobody's control except our own.  Also in our own control is how we speak to others to make sure our words are not being said to control another person.

My kids hated this lesson growing up.  "Mom, you make me feel guilty for _____" fill in the blank with a behavior.  "No.  I do not make you feel anything.  Not even love. You feel on your own and have the power to control those feelings. (again not listening to myself preach. Dam!) I do not have that type of power.  You feel guilty for what you've done, not my words.  Maybe you should think about what you did, why you feel guilty and get back to me with a solution."  Yep, it totally sucked to have me as a mom growing up.  Yet, my kids love me...so I did something right along the way.

There will always be people in our lives that can push our buttons.  The opening quote was the basis of the abuse I survived in my second marriage.  I literally began to feel crazy because he could take a situation and turn it around to where it was my fault.  Questioning myself at every turn became my creed. I no longer could trust my own thoughts.  He made everything sound so rational that I believed him. At last I started a journal.  I wrote down everything so I could come back to it later to see if I was really crazy or if it was him.  I never told my family while this was happening.  They might think I was crazy too after all.  I would pose some of the situations to my mom for her opinion and that's when I realized I needed counseling. This is an extreme case, but where I truly learned about guilt, manipulation and controlling another person.

Through counseling I learned the best analogy.  Many people over the years could not understand why I would stay in an abusive relationship for 7 years.  How could you allow him to control you?  I had no answer.  This helps outsiders understand and it applies to guilt associated with those addicted to drugs in our life as well and how we respond to it....

Take a frog and toss it in a pot of boiling water. What will it do?  It will immediately jump out.  It's survival instinct kicks in sensing danger to preserve it's life.  Now, take that same frog and put it in a pot of temperate water.  Then slowly increase the heat of the water.  What does the frog do?  It stays in the pot until his goose is literally cooked.  Why?  Because the temperature change is so gradual it is unaware of the danger.  So, it stays in the pot until it is too late.

My son is the best at pushing mine.  He will bring up things from our shared past and wave it in front of me knowing I feel bad for it and then use it to get what he wants in the moment.  When I finally stopped feeling guilty about things I did when he was growing up, he can no longer manipulate me through guilt.  The sensation of being free is ....delightful.

For me, learning to say no AND that it is a complete sentence is a major step forward.  My giving nature is often taken advantage of by people.  I know it.  I see it.  I feel it.  Now I have a choice.  I can chose yes or no as a response.  By taking an internal inventory of the pros, cons and which answer feels right...I can feel better about my decisions without feeling guilty.  It is self-care to say no.

"Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings.  Light and love are on my side."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Fear - Jan 10

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

~ Marianne Williamson

Fear is my biggest foe.  We battle it out all the time both of us bloody from the fight.  I'm tired of it.  How about you?

Every time I think I've learned this lesson...that by facing and walking through our fears we are being guided towards growth...I falter.  The voice of the ego (evil devil) overpowers the voice of the observer of my life (soul, angel, guide).  I've noticed that the more I live in fear, the more I attract situations that induce fear in myself.  We get what we focus on.  Law of Attraction.

After my car accident an awareness that the sense of fear that always sat in my belly was missing. Gone. In it's place was an inner tranquility I'd never felt before.  It was so comfortable!  As the years go by, different medications are tested on me and I grow...the fear comes back.  It no longer resides in my belly...ya know that "pit in your stomach" that you can feel all balled up?  That has not come back...thank you!  Instead it takes up temporary residence in my thoughts, the way I look at a situation, interaction I see all sides and this can induce fear.  By living life in fear, it is not truly living.  It's closing yourself off to a full life.

There is always something beneath the fear.  Fear, anger, shame...all cover up another emotion if you dare to look deeper.  For me, the fear is that I will get exactly what I want and that i have not thought fully enough about what I really want.

"Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability.  

Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner."  

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy