Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Accepting Help Jan 5
There's this feeling that is part of who I am. While I work on it, man it's hard to change. I have this inner feeling that I have to do everything on my own. Oh, I'll lend a hand to help others...beyond my limits. But can I accept help? Ahem. Well. I'm learning.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
"Today, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into Your Divine Power and presence, and resources for love, support and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help and support that's there for me. Help me know I am loved."
~ The Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Making Connections
Wow, reading through these daily meditations has a way of tossing me through so many memories. I've picked up this book not only to work through issues from my family of origin, but through domestic abuse, work problems, financial problems...Life.
As I work through the days and write down my crap...I turn the page and find a connection. I just wrote how I'm going to allow my kids to help me. I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with people I trust. I turn the page and the topic is Accepting Help. Hello synchronicity. What I need, when I need it. It's been happening a lot lately. My take on this is that I'm finally doing what I need to do. Confirmation.
Cheers! Kristy
As I work through the days and write down my crap...I turn the page and find a connection. I just wrote how I'm going to allow my kids to help me. I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with people I trust. I turn the page and the topic is Accepting Help. Hello synchronicity. What I need, when I need it. It's been happening a lot lately. My take on this is that I'm finally doing what I need to do. Confirmation.
Cheers! Kristy
Separating from Family Issues Jan 4
This past year I've felt I lost three family members. What I see now is that I finally set boundaries saying, "I can no longer tolerate the way you treat me. Our current relationship does not serve my best interest. The hurting must stop." It's sucked! It was the right thing to do. I am in a healthier state of being without these toxic relationships. It doesn't hurt any less though. Silver lining....Hello major step to nurturing myself with boundaries!
I've dog-eared this page. Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves. Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue. It doesn't belong to us/me/you. I forget this. I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath. Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled. It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.
My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them. In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change. In this situation, I changed. I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet? Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done." I was ready to end what wasn't good for me. I reached my limit.
Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch. I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope. I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away. I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word. Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand. I'm working through my emotions. What do I need? What feels right? What can I live with? When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.
In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado. I need my support system. In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs." TBI is a daily challenge. Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone. It is not in my best interest. So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met. This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave. Nothing in life is easy. Things will work out for my higher good. Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love. What a journey!
I've dog-eared this page. Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves. Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue. It doesn't belong to us/me/you. I forget this. I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath. Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled. It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.
My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them. In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change. In this situation, I changed. I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet? Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done." I was ready to end what wasn't good for me. I reached my limit.
Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch. I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope. I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away. I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word. Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand. I'm working through my emotions. What do I need? What feels right? What can I live with? When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.
In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado. I need my support system. In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs." TBI is a daily challenge. Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone. It is not in my best interest. So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met. This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave. Nothing in life is easy. Things will work out for my higher good. Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love. What a journey!
Today, I will learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues.
I will also step into their welcome embrace and allow them to help me...because I need their help.
I need to remember that allowing them to help me makes them feel good too. I can offer them a way to help me that is healthy for us all.
~ Kristy
Recovery Road Show Jan 2/3
Healthy Limits - 1/2 & Nurturing Self-care 1/3 (related themes)
"...there isn't a guidebook for setting boundaries. Each of us has our own guide inside ourselves. If we continue to work at recovery, our boundaries will develop. They will get healthy and sensitive. Our selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen."
~ Beyond Codependency
Boundaries and self care. One of My Life's themes. Yuck. This is the greatest area of growth for me this past year and also the bane of my existence. I know boundaries are vital, not only to recovery, but in living Life in general. I learned in high school, through group therapy sessions with my brother's in rehab, that I am a caretaker. I didn't get it. The therapist explained the role I assumed in the family unit was to balance the craziness. "Visualize a baby mobile. As one family member moves out of balance, you go to them and bring them back into balance. Kristy, this is NOT your responsibility. It is not your job to take care of everyone else. Let it go." So what do I do? Become a massage therapist where assisting other's heal IS my job. I'm such an INFP. It's part of my innate nature. I was born this way.
Setting limits and nurturing myself are critical to my own self-esteem, working through my feelings, working with clients, allowing myself to love others and know I am deserving of being loved. I'm tired of these lessons. Mainly because I have not employed what I know and keep falling off the damned wagon. Yet, I forgive myself because I know I am not perfect (don't want to be) and there is a "Higher Timing" involved. Nothing happens until it is time.
Setting limits and nurturing myself are critical to my own self-esteem, working through my feelings, working with clients, allowing myself to love others and know I am deserving of being loved. I'm tired of these lessons. Mainly because I have not employed what I know and keep falling off the damned wagon. Yet, I forgive myself because I know I am not perfect (don't want to be) and there is a "Higher Timing" involved. Nothing happens until it is time.
My boundaries are becoming clearer as I take the time to listen to my inner voice. I'm learning to trust that it guides me to where I am supposed to be on my Path. When I don't listen is when I get into trouble. I've avoided taking the time to allow awareness to come to me. Zombieland is what I do when Life get's too much to handle. My brother's turned to drugs or alcohol, I shut down. Numb. It's my drug of choice. Along with caffeine, but I digress. Well, I'm setting a boundary to not allow myself to do live perpetually in Zombieland. Time to move along Kristy.
I get angry with myself for not working on my boundaries and caring for myself. Boundaries and self care come from a place deep within. Sometimes anger is a great motivator to move me into action. It takes a lot to get me angry since the TBI. I used to be a bit hot-headed, now not so much. I have not trusted my inner voice since my brain injury. The further away I get from the date of impact I realize how deep the fog was that I lived in prior to taking up residence in Zombieland. Each day the fog clears a bit more. Comparing notes with one of my brother's he compared my state of being after the accident to himself when he was using. Aha. Interesting.
Why don't I trust myself? I was totally convinced of my ability to drive after my car accident. Months later I had an Aha moment that lead me to carpool with a classmate vs. driving to school myself. I was a danger to myself and others. So, now I question myself about everything. After 4 years I'm learning it's okay to trust myself again. When I question myself (read: sanity), I turn to trusted friends to make sure my self evaluation is on target with what they observe in me. I set a limit and didn't realize it till this moment.
Boundaries and self-care are not just about what I don't want or need in life. They are also about tearing down walls or expanding the ones that block me from enjoying my life. Through creating a space of awareness I've discovered a fear of being happy, allowing myself to be loved and loving in return. It hasn't worked well in the past so I've established some self-defeating behaviors that must change. Somewhere along my Path I came up with the silly idea that I don't deserve to be happy or loved well. Darn it, I do deserve to be loved and happiness is a choice I make each day.
Oddly enough I've learned to create good boundaries in my work as a massage therapist. Naturally I learned it the hard way. I always learn best through adversity. After my first experience with clients, I took home their pain in my own body. They left feeling fabulous, as I drove home my body was in agony. My teachers informed me I'm what's termed an Empath. I feel other's emotions and bodily pain as if it were my own. I created a ritual of sorts to set boundaries with clients so I would no longer embody their issues. I see now I need to employ this technique in my daily Life. How? Well...
Take time to be aware of where I'm at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. No effort is made to change my state of being, simply be aware of Kristy. Then when working with a client if I'd feel pain, in say my right knee, I could go back to my awareness and evaluate...Does this belong to me? Nope. It's the client. Or yep, that's me. By establishing a baseline every morning before I get out of bed I can better establish boundaries as needed throughout my day. I also can take responsibility for myself and let go of what does not belong to me. I'm having a Homer Simpson moment. Doh! Getting back to work will also aid me in nurturing myself and respecting my boundaries.
Kristy
I get angry with myself for not working on my boundaries and caring for myself. Boundaries and self care come from a place deep within. Sometimes anger is a great motivator to move me into action. It takes a lot to get me angry since the TBI. I used to be a bit hot-headed, now not so much. I have not trusted my inner voice since my brain injury. The further away I get from the date of impact I realize how deep the fog was that I lived in prior to taking up residence in Zombieland. Each day the fog clears a bit more. Comparing notes with one of my brother's he compared my state of being after the accident to himself when he was using. Aha. Interesting.
Why don't I trust myself? I was totally convinced of my ability to drive after my car accident. Months later I had an Aha moment that lead me to carpool with a classmate vs. driving to school myself. I was a danger to myself and others. So, now I question myself about everything. After 4 years I'm learning it's okay to trust myself again. When I question myself (read: sanity), I turn to trusted friends to make sure my self evaluation is on target with what they observe in me. I set a limit and didn't realize it till this moment.
Boundaries and self-care are not just about what I don't want or need in life. They are also about tearing down walls or expanding the ones that block me from enjoying my life. Through creating a space of awareness I've discovered a fear of being happy, allowing myself to be loved and loving in return. It hasn't worked well in the past so I've established some self-defeating behaviors that must change. Somewhere along my Path I came up with the silly idea that I don't deserve to be happy or loved well. Darn it, I do deserve to be loved and happiness is a choice I make each day.
Oddly enough I've learned to create good boundaries in my work as a massage therapist. Naturally I learned it the hard way. I always learn best through adversity. After my first experience with clients, I took home their pain in my own body. They left feeling fabulous, as I drove home my body was in agony. My teachers informed me I'm what's termed an Empath. I feel other's emotions and bodily pain as if it were my own. I created a ritual of sorts to set boundaries with clients so I would no longer embody their issues. I see now I need to employ this technique in my daily Life. How? Well...
Take time to be aware of where I'm at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. No effort is made to change my state of being, simply be aware of Kristy. Then when working with a client if I'd feel pain, in say my right knee, I could go back to my awareness and evaluate...Does this belong to me? Nope. It's the client. Or yep, that's me. By establishing a baseline every morning before I get out of bed I can better establish boundaries as needed throughout my day. I also can take responsibility for myself and let go of what does not belong to me. I'm having a Homer Simpson moment. Doh! Getting back to work will also aid me in nurturing myself and respecting my boundaries.
"Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow and set the limits I need in my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me."
AND
"Today, I will affirm that I am a gift to myself and the Universe. I will remember that nurturing self-care delivers that gift in its highest form."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Codependent Road Show 1/1
The New Year - 1/1
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
- Practice self-care. My name is Kristy and I am a caretaker. As a professional healer I've already learned that I need to take care of myself first before I can do anything for anyone else. I have not done this. I fell off the wagon. This blog is an attempt to keep me honest with myself.
- Learn a Martial Art - I need inner balance and found it before when learning Tai Chi. This will help me get in shape body, mind and soul.
- Try Traditional Chinese Medicine - I have a few autoimmune diseases along with the brain injury. I've been on chemo therapy, DMARDS...a pharmicopia of pills, injections and IV treatments. Modern medicine is great, but when the side effects of the drugs are worse than the dis-ease...I've decided it's not worth it. Time for something new.
- Share a sunrise/sunset with someone special.
- Work with horses again
- Create self-employment
- Visit San Pancho, Mexico with my brother and his wife. Since mom and I had plans to visit there 2 days AFTER she died, I've avoided going. It was to be our celebration of Life together and she had the nerve to die beforehand. As executor of her will I had to cancel my trip while my brother still went. Lost of emotional baggage surround this trip. I will go because I need to walk through this fear and work through the emotions.
Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly, as needed. I will do it not to control, but to do my part in living my Life. ~ Melody Beattie
After reading through the first several days of the book, the work is too much for a single post. So, I'll work through them like Life...one step at a time.
Kristy
Recovering Codependent Road Show
I've decided to start a journal based on working my way through Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations for Codependents. My book is worn and water stained from use over the years. While I grew up with two addict/alcoholic brothers since the age of seven (they are 7 & 9 years older) I've found this book helpful for all of Life's situations. After my brain injury I've found it speak to me on a different level.
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Eve Past & Present
In my home growing up Christmas Eve was almost better than Christmas itself. This year I'm home alone with my family scattered between Colorado, California, the beaches of Mexico and Heaven. It's left me time to wander down memory lane and appreciate what we shared as a family.
The thing is...it was never about the presents. I don't remember the presents...okay some of the White Elephants do stick out in my mind, but you know what I mean. We simply enjoyed each other. Mom or Dad would play the piano while we sang Christmas songs. Games were played with rich laughter that still warms my heart.
Everyone contributed a food dish as we congregated at mom and dad's house. Before filling our plates we'd gather hand in hand as a prayer was spoken blessing the food and appreciation of all in our circle...and those that had passed on. Once gathered around the table with filled plates the "Cut Session" commenced.
This time honored silver tongue lashing was misunderstood by newcomers who felt uncomfortable until we dragged them into the word play. Basically it was a trip down memory lane that would embarrass the subject OR it involved telling the parents the truth of some childhood situation. "Well, ya know that scratch in your car I blamed on a parking lot incident? Uhm, well..." It went something like that. Laughter was the point. If you brought a new boyfriend or girlfriend...you knew you would be the target tonight AND tomorrow - embarrassment was then the point. Stories of sticking stuff up your nose, dropping bricks on your siblings head and so on were aimed with precision.
The best part... Love. We gave love. We received love. Love made our family work, no matter how dysfunctional.
Oh, and it was never just our single family unit. We always welcomed friends into the fold of our wacky family. The more, the merrier was the family philosophy. Dad died in 2004 and mom followed in 2010. They were the glue that held our family together and now...we are all separated. I for one miss the old days, but in my missing I've gathered gems from the memories kept in my treasure chest.
This year while I find myself alone, I am thankful for the memories...they are truly grand.
The thing is...it was never about the presents. I don't remember the presents...okay some of the White Elephants do stick out in my mind, but you know what I mean. We simply enjoyed each other. Mom or Dad would play the piano while we sang Christmas songs. Games were played with rich laughter that still warms my heart.
Everyone contributed a food dish as we congregated at mom and dad's house. Before filling our plates we'd gather hand in hand as a prayer was spoken blessing the food and appreciation of all in our circle...and those that had passed on. Once gathered around the table with filled plates the "Cut Session" commenced.
This time honored silver tongue lashing was misunderstood by newcomers who felt uncomfortable until we dragged them into the word play. Basically it was a trip down memory lane that would embarrass the subject OR it involved telling the parents the truth of some childhood situation. "Well, ya know that scratch in your car I blamed on a parking lot incident? Uhm, well..." It went something like that. Laughter was the point. If you brought a new boyfriend or girlfriend...you knew you would be the target tonight AND tomorrow - embarrassment was then the point. Stories of sticking stuff up your nose, dropping bricks on your siblings head and so on were aimed with precision.
The best part... Love. We gave love. We received love. Love made our family work, no matter how dysfunctional.
Oh, and it was never just our single family unit. We always welcomed friends into the fold of our wacky family. The more, the merrier was the family philosophy. Dad died in 2004 and mom followed in 2010. They were the glue that held our family together and now...we are all separated. I for one miss the old days, but in my missing I've gathered gems from the memories kept in my treasure chest.
This year while I find myself alone, I am thankful for the memories...they are truly grand.
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