Finding Balance - Jan 12

I'm finally caught up to the correct date and topic.  Yay.  I've found it difficult to work through too many things in a single day.  It overloads my system and since the tbi I have to recover through sleep.  Sleep has captured me for long periods of time the past few days.  Here is to learning my limits and having some patience...I have none..and don't ask for patience...you only get trapped in situation after situation requiring patience.  It sucks.

Balance.  The striving point for every one in this Life is balance.  Work, family, play, relationships, me time, work, rest, sleep...there is so much to balance.  I visualize a teeter-totter in my mind when I think of balance.  There must be a counter balance to maintain our equilibrium.  Right?  Too much of anything is not good for you as the saying goes.  And it is, sadly, true.

In order to keep balance...maintaining the narrow path is difficult....there must be a balance of forces.  Think of that teeter totter.  When one side goes up, the other side goes down.  In order to stay in balance a flow happens between the two opposing forces.  Walking our path we go up mountains and down into valleys. Balance or the Yin and Yang is walking that line between opposing forces.  Sometimes the only way we can find balance is to go to extremes.  That's okay.  It's maintaining the awareness that matters and moving towards the balance point, which is not necessarily center.

Currently I know I'm out of balance.  I feel it in my body, mind and soul.  In order to find the balance point, I need to know where I am first.  By figuring out where I'm at I can then look for the opposing force that will counterbalance my current state of being to bring me back into balance.  Ever the deep thinker am I.

Dancing is now part of my daily routine.  It gets me out of my head, into my body and allows me to express my emotions in a healthy manner.  Most importantly dancing is also conditioning my body, which needs it badly. Meditation.  Each day I check in with me to see where I'm at so I have a baseline reference to make sure I'm taking care of myself.  During this time I send love to every part of me and to others I care about.  Writing this blog is another outlet for me to get out what I've been holding onto for too long.

Balance is a goal.  Like Life, is about the journey, not the destination.

"Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes

 to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys.  

Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley 

is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Letting Go of Guilt - Jan 11

"There is a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," 

said one recovering woman, 

"The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

Guilt, in a healthy expression, is meant to keep us on the right track...so to speak.  It's an internal warning system that let's us know when we are doing something wrong.

However, through our families, and relationships with other's this natural instinct to help us correct course has been turned into a weapon.  Guilt is used as a means to control another human being.  On the other hand, it is an internal feeling and in nobody's control except our own.  Also in our own control is how we speak to others to make sure our words are not being said to control another person.

My kids hated this lesson growing up.  "Mom, you make me feel guilty for _____" fill in the blank with a behavior.  "No.  I do not make you feel anything.  Not even love. You feel on your own and have the power to control those feelings. (again not listening to myself preach. Dam!) I do not have that type of power.  You feel guilty for what you've done, not my words.  Maybe you should think about what you did, why you feel guilty and get back to me with a solution."  Yep, it totally sucked to have me as a mom growing up.  Yet, my kids love me...so I did something right along the way.

There will always be people in our lives that can push our buttons.  The opening quote was the basis of the abuse I survived in my second marriage.  I literally began to feel crazy because he could take a situation and turn it around to where it was my fault.  Questioning myself at every turn became my creed. I no longer could trust my own thoughts.  He made everything sound so rational that I believed him. At last I started a journal.  I wrote down everything so I could come back to it later to see if I was really crazy or if it was him.  I never told my family while this was happening.  They might think I was crazy too after all.  I would pose some of the situations to my mom for her opinion and that's when I realized I needed counseling. This is an extreme case, but where I truly learned about guilt, manipulation and controlling another person.

Through counseling I learned the best analogy.  Many people over the years could not understand why I would stay in an abusive relationship for 7 years.  How could you allow him to control you?  I had no answer.  This helps outsiders understand and it applies to guilt associated with those addicted to drugs in our life as well and how we respond to it....

Take a frog and toss it in a pot of boiling water. What will it do?  It will immediately jump out.  It's survival instinct kicks in sensing danger to preserve it's life.  Now, take that same frog and put it in a pot of temperate water.  Then slowly increase the heat of the water.  What does the frog do?  It stays in the pot until his goose is literally cooked.  Why?  Because the temperature change is so gradual it is unaware of the danger.  So, it stays in the pot until it is too late.

My son is the best at pushing mine.  He will bring up things from our shared past and wave it in front of me knowing I feel bad for it and then use it to get what he wants in the moment.  When I finally stopped feeling guilty about things I did when he was growing up, he can no longer manipulate me through guilt.  The sensation of being free is ....delightful.

For me, learning to say no AND that it is a complete sentence is a major step forward.  My giving nature is often taken advantage of by people.  I know it.  I see it.  I feel it.  Now I have a choice.  I can chose yes or no as a response.  By taking an internal inventory of the pros, cons and which answer feels right...I can feel better about my decisions without feeling guilty.  It is self-care to say no.

"Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings.  Light and love are on my side."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Fear - Jan 10

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

~ Marianne Williamson

Fear is my biggest foe.  We battle it out all the time both of us bloody from the fight.  I'm tired of it.  How about you?

Every time I think I've learned this lesson...that by facing and walking through our fears we are being guided towards growth...I falter.  The voice of the ego (evil devil) overpowers the voice of the observer of my life (soul, angel, guide).  I've noticed that the more I live in fear, the more I attract situations that induce fear in myself.  We get what we focus on.  Law of Attraction.

After my car accident an awareness that the sense of fear that always sat in my belly was missing. Gone. In it's place was an inner tranquility I'd never felt before.  It was so comfortable!  As the years go by, different medications are tested on me and I grow...the fear comes back.  It no longer resides in my belly...ya know that "pit in your stomach" that you can feel all balled up?  That has not come back...thank you!  Instead it takes up temporary residence in my thoughts, the way I look at a situation, interaction I see all sides and this can induce fear.  By living life in fear, it is not truly living.  It's closing yourself off to a full life.

There is always something beneath the fear.  Fear, anger, shame...all cover up another emotion if you dare to look deeper.  For me, the fear is that I will get exactly what I want and that i have not thought fully enough about what I really want.

"Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability.  

Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner."  

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Self Responsibility Jan 9

"We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."

~ Codependent No More

Caretaking.  It sounds like such a nice word but taking care of another person can be damaging.  I prevented my son from hitting his bottom enough times to see I was hurting him vs. helping him find sobriety.

Being split between an  INFP & ENFP personality type (heaven help me) caretaking is innate to my being.   I don't mean to take on responsibilities of other's, but I do.  Knowing this about myself I'm constantly asking myself, "Does this belong to me?" I hold it up, look at all sides and if it's "mine" I keep it and work through what needs to be done and if it is not...I'm learning to give it back to it's owner.

While going through just the first 9 days of the month in this book it dawned on me that while these meditations are helpful in general, as individuals we all handle things differently.  As Shrek so aptly put it, we're like onions.  We have all these layers that make us this beautiful, unique individual.  While I might relate better to those in my personality types, I am also a Piscean influenced by Aquarius rising, an Empath, and element wise I'm Earth.  Each of these different layers creates the way I experience Life and interact with others.  So, while blanket statements can be beneficial....I'm seeing that as this unique individual that I am...not all of these blanket statements work for me.  AND because I think way too much, I'm working out a new way to process these steps in a way that works for me.  Since the focus of this book is learning to put ourselves first, sounds like a plan of attack.

I do not feel responsible for another person's happiness, healing, whatever life process they are going through.  I know how they feel is separate from me.  That doesn't mean that I don't deeply desire to help them.  My biggest problem is helping when it has not been asked of me.  I want to help so much and share what I've learned to benefit another that I can come off as pushy...and a pain in the ass.  Even though that is not my intent.  Many teachers (people) come into my life to teach me this lesson over and over...and over again.  Thank you.  I want to get this right and stop the lessons.

Back when I was 19 I had an experience that grounded me in the belief that I am NOT responsible for another's emotions or their actions.  During a breakup the guy threatened to kill himself if I left him.  Talk about a guilt trip right?

While I was emotionally devastated over leaving the love of my life, I knew it was the right thing to do for me.  A peaceful sensation washed over me during this conversation.  My inner voice said...nope this is not on your shoulders, it's on him.  So I told the guy that whatever decision he made was his to make and had nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for my own emotions and it is not possible for me to make anyone else feel a certain emotion, that is an internal function....  I do not have that much power.  If you think I do, then you've given your power away to another that cannot even use it.

Where I trip and fall on my ass is with my family....especially my kids.  I am aware enough that this is an issue for me that I keep an eye out for stepping into the pit falls I choose not to see (inventory).  It's a tricky dance, but I'm finding balance.

"Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself.  I will let others do the same.  If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Vulnerability Jan 8

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” 

~ Kahlil Gibran 

Oh, this hits home.  Yes, I made the decision several years ago that I would not allow myself to be hurt ever again.  In response to that decision I went into shut down mode, Zombieland.  Emotional pain was simply too great to face it head on.  I've also terminated relationships the first time I felt hurt because of the promise I made.  Through doing this I see that not only did I hurt the person, but also myself by not being open.  I wasn't capable.

The past 6 years has brought so much pain and grief that the only way for me to survive was to, in fact, go numb.  I wasn't just overwhelmed, but the wind was knocked out of me.  I felt like I was drowning without a life preserver in sight.  Being self-reliant I shoved down the emotions and carried on for my kids.   And now I finally get why I recently hit the wall.  I've held it together for my kids.  Now that they are on their own, it's just me.  Everything I've held in for so long has crumbled at my feet.

Melody asks us to feel vulnerable enough to feel the hurt, when it's appropriate take responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and do what we need to take care of ourselves.  I didn't willingly step into this process, but I'm here none the less.  The goal is to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not get trapped in analyze them or allow them to control our behavior.  By feeling the hurt we then allow joy into that space.

Pain in the body is a warning sign that something is wrong.  I can see that us feeling hurt is telling us that we might need to set a boundary, depending on the situation.  Many times it's the evil inner voice that hurts me. I need to learn not to listen to that voice.  If it isn't guiding me in a positive way, it isn't the voice of guidance.

I've always been emotional, overly so according to most men in my life.  Growing up with this thought rolling around in my brain I've felt shameful for my emotions instead of embracing them.  Words were flung at me that I clung to that told me I was too emotional, why do always cry, oh grow up, it's just business...it's not personal...all words said in an attempt for others to control my emotions.  And I allowed it! I didn't know any better.  I've been seeking validation for my feelings and when not found I stuffed them down thereby no longer allowing vulnerability.  Enlightening.

I suppose because of the way I was treated I made sure to educate my son and daughter that it's okay to feel your emotions, it's okay to cry..it is NOT okay to hit one another though.  When you bottle them up it makes you ill.  I taught them well, if only I'd listen to myself.  Oh wise one.

Being vulnerable is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.  I totally understand the concept and have employed it throughout my life, and utterly ignored at other times.  Like now.  What I did not get and am not sure how to do...is simply feel the emotion, allow other's to bubble up that want to follow and then let them be.  I don't need to break down why I feel what I feel, judge what triggered the reaction...just feel it and let it go.  As someone who experiences all of Life through my feelings/emotions I don't know how to separate them.  Maybe I'm too vulnerable and need to learn the opposite?  If I come up with any insights in the future I'll add to this post.  I do know this is something I'd like to employ in the future, but I'm not there yet.

"Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain.  I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them.  I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships.  I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in my life."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Jan 7 Dealing with Painful Feelings

Oh joy.  Dealing with painful feelings.  I'm not sure I totally agree with Melody here, "Emotional pain does not have to devastate us.  We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life."  Really?  Maybe for hurt feelings over a misunderstanding, but serious life events this seems to fall a bit short IMHO.

However, I do get her saying to talk to the person and not attack innocent bystanders when you're upset.  Gotcha.

I don't really have much to say here so on to the next....

Kristy

Relationships Jan 6

"If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well.   
A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life.  
A relationship is a continuation of life." 
~ Beyond Codependency

Relationships are the joy and bane of my existence.  Indeed relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road...hence the title of this portion of my blog.  We can't learn and grow in isolation.  No matter how hard I try to prove otherwise.  Melody points out that being a codependent..well you have to be in a relationship with another human being to be codependent right?  Right Or with pets, they count in my book....our goal in recovery is to demonstrate responsibility towards ourselves.  Sigh.  It sounds so easy!  As easy as ice skating looks to me, but it takes practice not to fall on your ass.

Through relationships...not just love, but co-workers, friends, siblings, all of them..I am learning to take care of myself.  I'm also learning to be intimate when it feels right.  I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy, but making a connection with another person on a deep level. I'm also learning that just because I'm finally ready for relating to people again, it doesn't mean someone else is ready to work through it with me.  What I see though is self-care in action.  In the end, it's a successful situation.  If something is meant to be, it will happen. 

Melody asks us to consider the following questions in our relationships.  Boy is it making me think...hard.

• Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control?
• Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say might be uncomfortable?
• Is there someone we've been avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that person?
• Do we need to make an amend?
• Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?

Uh..Yes.. and since this is all more personal than a blog...this work is private stuff.  However, I have learned some things over the years that I can share.

When we meet another person that attracts us to them (that person behind you in line, friend, lover, etc) we are seeing qualities in them that we have yet to uncover, cultivate within ourselves.  It's there, this quality.  We just need help uncovering it.  These people are like a two-way mirror.  By looking into them we are actually seeing a part of ourselves reflecting back into us.  Now, the trick is identifying the trait they have that you need to uncover.  When our relationships end many times its because one of us did not uncover that trait and now unknowingly resent the other person for owning that shiny thing we once admired.

As synchronicity goes, I got an email from The Daily Love addressing this same concept.  Spot on.  Kinda freaky actually.  Anyway, I've taken this approach for the past gosh...since 1998 when I left an abusive, now ex, husband.  While I could look at the events in our relationship and see what happened...he could not open his eyes to see.  I learned so much from him.  Mainly through trials by fire, but I came out purified and tempered into the me I am meant to be.  He still walks with his eyes closed to life around him with little signs of growth.  That is his work, not mine.  So, I had to move on.  I send him love...so much love it overflows like a river breaking it's banks.  Through this show of love I unconsciously intimidate my abuser, or so my daughter tells me.  I had no idea the power of love could turn a situation around.  It can change anything.  Love through the pain, hurt, grief, anger...love yourself AND the other person and watch the shift occur.

#Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability.  
I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust.  
I will ask for what I need and give what feels right."
~ The Language of Letting Go

Kristy