Self Responsibility Jan 9

"We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."

~ Codependent No More

Caretaking.  It sounds like such a nice word but taking care of another person can be damaging.  I prevented my son from hitting his bottom enough times to see I was hurting him vs. helping him find sobriety.

Being split between an  INFP & ENFP personality type (heaven help me) caretaking is innate to my being.   I don't mean to take on responsibilities of other's, but I do.  Knowing this about myself I'm constantly asking myself, "Does this belong to me?" I hold it up, look at all sides and if it's "mine" I keep it and work through what needs to be done and if it is not...I'm learning to give it back to it's owner.

While going through just the first 9 days of the month in this book it dawned on me that while these meditations are helpful in general, as individuals we all handle things differently.  As Shrek so aptly put it, we're like onions.  We have all these layers that make us this beautiful, unique individual.  While I might relate better to those in my personality types, I am also a Piscean influenced by Aquarius rising, an Empath, and element wise I'm Earth.  Each of these different layers creates the way I experience Life and interact with others.  So, while blanket statements can be beneficial....I'm seeing that as this unique individual that I am...not all of these blanket statements work for me.  AND because I think way too much, I'm working out a new way to process these steps in a way that works for me.  Since the focus of this book is learning to put ourselves first, sounds like a plan of attack.

I do not feel responsible for another person's happiness, healing, whatever life process they are going through.  I know how they feel is separate from me.  That doesn't mean that I don't deeply desire to help them.  My biggest problem is helping when it has not been asked of me.  I want to help so much and share what I've learned to benefit another that I can come off as pushy...and a pain in the ass.  Even though that is not my intent.  Many teachers (people) come into my life to teach me this lesson over and over...and over again.  Thank you.  I want to get this right and stop the lessons.

Back when I was 19 I had an experience that grounded me in the belief that I am NOT responsible for another's emotions or their actions.  During a breakup the guy threatened to kill himself if I left him.  Talk about a guilt trip right?

While I was emotionally devastated over leaving the love of my life, I knew it was the right thing to do for me.  A peaceful sensation washed over me during this conversation.  My inner voice said...nope this is not on your shoulders, it's on him.  So I told the guy that whatever decision he made was his to make and had nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for my own emotions and it is not possible for me to make anyone else feel a certain emotion, that is an internal function....  I do not have that much power.  If you think I do, then you've given your power away to another that cannot even use it.

Where I trip and fall on my ass is with my family....especially my kids.  I am aware enough that this is an issue for me that I keep an eye out for stepping into the pit falls I choose not to see (inventory).  It's a tricky dance, but I'm finding balance.

"Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself.  I will let others do the same.  If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Codependent Road Show 1/1

The New Year - 1/1

Goal setting.  Giving my Life direction.  I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years.  Sigh.  It hasn't worked very well.  Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit.  Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland.  Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world.  I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow.  While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.

I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List.  Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:

• Practice self-care.  My name is Kristy and I am a caretaker.  As a professional healer I've already learned that I need to take care of myself first before I can do anything for anyone else.  I have not done this.  I fell off the wagon.  This blog is an attempt to keep me honest with myself.
• Learn a Martial Art - I need inner balance and found it before when learning Tai Chi.  This will help me get in shape body, mind and soul.
• Try Traditional Chinese Medicine - I have a few autoimmune diseases along with the brain injury.  I've been on chemo therapy, DMARDS...a pharmicopia of pills, injections and IV treatments.  Modern medicine is great, but when the side effects of the drugs are worse than the dis-ease...I've decided it's not worth it.  Time for something new.
• Share a sunrise/sunset with someone special.
• Work with horses again
• Create self-employment
• Visit San Pancho, Mexico with my brother and his wife.  Since mom and I had plans to visit there 2 days AFTER she died, I've avoided going.  It was to be our celebration of Life together and she had the nerve to die beforehand.  As executor of her will I had to cancel my trip while my brother still went.  Lost of emotional baggage surround this trip.  I will go because I need to walk through this fear and work through the emotions.

Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals.  I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly, as needed.  I will do it not to control, but to do my part in living my Life. ~ Melody Beattie

After reading through the first several days of the book, the work is too much for a single post.  So, I'll work through them like Life...one step at a time.

Kristy 

Recovering Codependent Road Show

I've decided to start a journal based on working my way through Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations for Codependents.  My book is worn and water stained from use over the years.  While I grew up with two addict/alcoholic brothers since the age of seven (they are 7 & 9 years older) I've found this book helpful for all of Life's situations.  After my brain injury I've found it speak to me on a different level.

I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post.  I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away.  The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular.  This time I'm trying it chronologically.

Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance.  Life is about the journey, not the destination.

Kristy