Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Morning After - life forever altered
The Morning After
my dad died
October 9, 2004
It was still dark out as I silently climbed out of bed. Mom, my daughter and niece were all still sleeping soundly in the California King size bed. I needed a strong dose of coffee and my morning nicotine fix. I tiptoed to the kitchen so I didn’t wake the full house. Still in a daze I stood impassive at the counter as the water dripped through the coffee grounds staring out into the darkness of morning. I walked out front bundled up in a warm jacket with my steaming hot coffee. Sitting down on the ice cold concrete step I lit up a cigarette. Inhaling the smoke I wished they would make the pain cease. I heard dad’s voice, “I thought you promised me you’d quit smoking?” To which I replied in my head, “Give me some time dad, you only just died 12 hours ago! I’m sorry, but a disembodied voice in my head chastising me for smoking isn’t what I need right now. Ok?” As if he was going to answer.
Gazing up into the indigo twilight sky the stars shone brightly above me. Shadows were cast by the overhanging tree limbs on either side of where I sat. A small gust of wind picked up twisting my hair above my head. A smile emerged on my face acknowledging the hug of wind that felt like a “hello, I love you and am with you” from dad. The starlight streamed down on me in those pre-dawn moments coloring my skin white with a blue glow. Observing the blue hue to my skin seemed appropriate. Pointing out the familiar star formations to myself it suddenly struck me that my life would never again be the same. Today was the start of a new life. A life that will not include dad. Thoughts wafted thorough my mind like soft, white clouds on a summer day.
Dad made a relatively easy transition into spirit. Slowly comprehension started sinking in that dad is gone from my reality. Those of us left behind, no matter what, miss those that go before us. Dad asked us not to grieve for him. It wasn’t for dad that I grieved in those early morning moments. I grieved for the loss of his presence in my life. I took dad for granted as a permanent fixture not understanding the impermanence of this world in which we live until this moment. The tide of feelings surging within me was a mixture of emptiness, hurt, bewilderment and feeling utterly lost. Sometimes life really sucks.
At 35 I looked out at the twilit world through the eyes of a child having just lost her father. A lifetime of memories rushed passed in mere moments ending in tears and unanswerable questions. Faces of loved ones that already passed flashed on the movie screen of my mind: Grandma, my dog Buttons, Pappy, Mr. Horne, Badger then finally Dad. Why? Why did Daddy have to leave us now? I expected at least another 10-20 years with him. Did I ever really know the man that was my father? He kept so much about himself a mystery. Does it matter that I didn’t know everything about him? What will life be like without dad? When will this overwhelming emptiness stitched together with an unbearable ache end? I wondered if it would ever end as I sat wrapping my arms around myself to hold the shattered shards of myself together.
Rocking back and forth on the cold step I sunk deeper into myself because there were no other arms that could hold me. How can I be filled with such overwhelming pain and sadness that it oozed out of me flowing onto the ground where I sat, yet at the same time feel like a gaping hole was ripped out of my chest along with my heart? My mind searched for comprehension, but found none. It was a paradox of sensation: full and empty at the same time. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but the pain is mind numbing.
Will I survive this pain? It didn’t feel like I would survive, but I knew the pain would lessen with time and I would indeed survive. I survived grandma’s death, then Pappy’s, Mr. Horne’s and recently Badger. That thought only made me cry harder. Would a day come where I would not remember dad’s face? No. I resolved to never forget dad’s face. I etched the warmth of his smile and ever changing eyes of blue into my mind. When I close my eyes, his face smiles at me five years later.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Standing Up For Ourselves - Jan 15
"We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences,
while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have a choice."
~ Beyond Codependency
As a mom, I will stand up and defend my kids (when they are in the right) like a mama bear. You don't mess with my kids or you will face my wrath. If only I could do this for myself!
I had my son when I was 19 which means more than 1/2 my life I've been standing up for my kids. I've also been aware that while I will fight tooth and nail for them, I don't have the same resolve for myself. Years I've pondered this conundrum.
It is just so darn easy to look in on someone else's Life and know what they need to do. "You are not a doormat, you are worthy of being treated like the precious gift you are.", "You are great at what you do and deserve a raise based on what other's in your field earn...go get that raise...you can do it!". We can see from outside that a relationship is abusive, a friend is being manipulated, worker's rights are being violated...whatever is going on...we can see it. So, why is it so hard to do this for ourselves?
In our own situations we have a myopic view of our world. We are enmeshed in the situation at hand and cannot see the forest for the trees. I was also unwittingly taught growing up that it was not alright to be assertive. "The meek shall inherit the earth." or so says an ancient script. Yes, well there is a difference between being meek and a doormat. Being assertive is healthy, I now know this to be true. Personally, I tend to not want to hurt another person's feelings. By stepping too easily in their shoes I watch what I say, how it's said and more often than not do what is in their best interest vs. my own. Stop Kristy.
As Life does, I was put in several situations that forced me to stand up for myself. The more valuable the teaching, the harder the lesson is to learn. Now what I've observed is that when we go through our Dark Night of the Soul that brings us into ourselves we are provided a guide. Someone new or currently in our lives is there to assist us. If we allow this, the transition is so much easier. I, however, am not one for taking the easier Path for some horrendous reason. Yet, I have allowed someone to take me by the hand and gently guide me to myself and man...what a beautiful process.
Melody doesn't offer any advise here, but adds this "Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do." Brilliant! Oh yes, the Universe will bring the lesson to you through future teachers until you stop and stand up for yourself. I was recently smack upside the head with a lesson I thought I learned. Expect surprise quizzes to test your resolve. Just when you think to yourself, "Yes! I've finally learned...." you WILL be tested. Each day is a fresh start. Don't look back. Keep moving forward. You'll get better until you can stop.
"Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, Universe, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Friday, January 13, 2012
Good Feelings - Jan 13
Happy Friday the 13! It's been a great day to me for years no matter what people seem to think....your reality follows your thoughts. Keep them positive and that's what you get.
I'm in recovery for a few things. I'm a recovering co-dependent, traumatic brain injury survivor, and psoriatic arthritis thriver. Today's topic in the Language of Letting Go is about good feelings. She points out that in recovery many times we only focus on the big 3 - anger, fear and pain. To my philosophy by focusing on those exclusively we draw them to us. There is a difference between working through emotions and allowing them to be the cocoon in which you dwell. That isn't healthy.
I know from experience that we can dwell so long in our tower of misery that we come to believe we are only allowed to feel the negative emotions. Conditioning can also make us believe that we don't deserve positive thing to happen to us. Fear of losing what we are lucky enough to enjoy in this life, that we will unconsciously do everything in our power to push it away. After stepping back, I can see I did this recently.
I swore to myself that i would walk through the fear. In the end, I'm not sure if I created a boundary to be good to myself or block myself from happiness. I'm not a loser though, because I walk away this time with open eyes. I can look at the dynamic of the situation and see where boundaries were appropriate and where they were actually armed turrets with warriors shouting, "No one shall pass. Leave. Now." Why I'm a winner is exactly what Melody points out...by learning the lesson. What did I learn aside from blocking myself?
I do not need to feel bad because someone else isn't able to feel the good yet. I can allow myself to feel good. My family members may have thrown away their futures, but I still have one to live. I don't need to throw mine away just because they have. I am an individual, not just part of a family unit.
It's perfectly normal for us to put obstacles in our path to experience the positive in life. We become so comfortable with the more familiar emotions, less-positive path. Now saying that...it's okay for us to feel good. It's healthy to feel good, be happy, experience joy so deep we can't help smiling till it hurts. I give myself permission to be happy now....that's winning. I came out the other end, granted, in an unexpected place...but it's where I need to be. Everything happens for a reason. Least I forget my daily mantra for the past 15 years. I let go of the reason and look for the lesson instead. Be happy. It's a conscious choice. Choosing anything else is what's crazy.
Kristy
I'm in recovery for a few things. I'm a recovering co-dependent, traumatic brain injury survivor, and psoriatic arthritis thriver. Today's topic in the Language of Letting Go is about good feelings. She points out that in recovery many times we only focus on the big 3 - anger, fear and pain. To my philosophy by focusing on those exclusively we draw them to us. There is a difference between working through emotions and allowing them to be the cocoon in which you dwell. That isn't healthy.
I know from experience that we can dwell so long in our tower of misery that we come to believe we are only allowed to feel the negative emotions. Conditioning can also make us believe that we don't deserve positive thing to happen to us. Fear of losing what we are lucky enough to enjoy in this life, that we will unconsciously do everything in our power to push it away. After stepping back, I can see I did this recently.
I swore to myself that i would walk through the fear. In the end, I'm not sure if I created a boundary to be good to myself or block myself from happiness. I'm not a loser though, because I walk away this time with open eyes. I can look at the dynamic of the situation and see where boundaries were appropriate and where they were actually armed turrets with warriors shouting, "No one shall pass. Leave. Now." Why I'm a winner is exactly what Melody points out...by learning the lesson. What did I learn aside from blocking myself?
I do not need to feel bad because someone else isn't able to feel the good yet. I can allow myself to feel good. My family members may have thrown away their futures, but I still have one to live. I don't need to throw mine away just because they have. I am an individual, not just part of a family unit.
It's perfectly normal for us to put obstacles in our path to experience the positive in life. We become so comfortable with the more familiar emotions, less-positive path. Now saying that...it's okay for us to feel good. It's healthy to feel good, be happy, experience joy so deep we can't help smiling till it hurts. I give myself permission to be happy now....that's winning. I came out the other end, granted, in an unexpected place...but it's where I need to be. Everything happens for a reason. Least I forget my daily mantra for the past 15 years. I let go of the reason and look for the lesson instead. Be happy. It's a conscious choice. Choosing anything else is what's crazy.
"Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful and good."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Thursday, January 12, 2012
What is it like to be me? INFP/ENFP
There is more to each personality than to say, I am an INFP/ENFP, or whatever classification is used to dissect what makes us tick as humans. Every experience in our life shapes us and changes us. However, at the core of me is this mixture of INFP/ENFP. My first test was done in high school with a heavy leaning towards introvert. Yet, as I've grown older I'm nearly split down the middle. I recently came across a book that describes both sides of me to such a T that I couldn't help laughing. My dog just looked at me like I'm crazy. Now I know why I often feel as if I have multiple personalities. I do.
INFP
From Conversations with Harmonizer Clarifiers
What’s it like to be you?
I have a very internal focus. I think I look at myself through other people’s eyes, but sometimes I can lose touch with how things work for me. Then I can get introspective, going very deep and staying there, not coming out too quickly or easily. Somehow I find it very difficult to put into words and communicate the things that really matter to me. Most people don’t have the foggiest notion about what goes on with me.
I like harmony and seek consensus and do well with the deep issues. My values and the things that are important to me often feel outside the mainstream in the sense that I feel impinged upon and uncomfortable with so much of what goes on. I’m too private to push my values on to other people, but I am convinced that one ought to be congruent in their own life if they are going to expect congruence from others. In a sense I hold other people to that standard, and I worry about my own incongruities, inconsistencies, and contradictions. Groups can be hard. I can put myself in the group process so rapidly and so completely, and it’s important not to get sucked in. I need to be predictable about what I believe.
I am a global thinker and I like to learn interactively. My thoughts need to be connected with some person or value. On reflection, don’t all thoughts have to be connected to something? I feed new information into other things I’ve read and my thoughts, and I can have a marvelous time just sitting with ideas. And I like to discuss or write things because I seem to have a lot in my head and I’ve got to get it out. I love bringing together different eclectic ideas and seeing what’s similar. I like to have my own ideas, hear others ideas, and have ideas challenged, bantering back and forth. Chitchat has no interest for me. I tend to do a lot of mental rehearsal and play in problem solving, and the fun part is figuring out how to do something. Motivation comes when something has real meaning or value for me, and while I enjoy ideas I don’t like having my values challenged.
For me, asking questions is just a different form of being quiet, a way to explore an inner thought stream or check out of reality and back into my thoughts. Sometimes I chuckle at myself that there is really no sequential way that I work though tasks...
I’m concerned about how others feel when they are around me. Lack of honesty or ethics or integrity in interactions—when someone is saying one thing but doing another—really puts me off. So does when someone doesn’t honor, or accept as valid, my communication or feeling as I try to talk to them about something that matters to me. And I don’t need to talk about myself. I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes I’m frustrated trying to communicate, and sometimes a metaphor or a joke or a story is a way to effectively express myself so what I’m saying can be heard by someone who hears or experiences things differently.
I don’t know what I am going to do next, but I trust in myself that something will come in as a new idea, with challenge and inner meaning. Whatever it is, it will be right. Although I would never actually say it, it feels as though I am grounded in the very being of who I am when I talk like this.
Themes
For Harmonizer Clarifiers, life is a process of uncovering mysteries, the mysteries of life - personal values and meanings and the meaning of life in general. They like learning about people, why they do what they do and who they are. They want to relate on a deep level, to be touched deeply and to resolve issues. Exploring moral questions like what is right and wrong and the battle between good and evil fascinates them. Knowing people's intentions helps them feel comfortable with their relationships.
They enjoy getting reaquainted with themselves. To not have a sense of congruence with their values and unity with oneself is worse than death. They must have a sense of integrity and wholeness.
They have a talent for facilitive listening and knowing what is behind what is said. When they listen deeply to another person, they help that person clarify their identity, their wants, and their needs. They want to help others enjoy who they are, accept themselves, and believe in themselves. Sometimes it is hard to turn off the deep listening, and they pay the price for presenting a more acceptable, conventional persona to the world.
Life is full of paradoxes and they are constantly balancing opposites. They can be fun and playful yet serious and intense. Others rarely glimpse the whole, rich tapestry of their lives. They often relate to others through stories and metaphors to connect differences and to provide gentle encouragement. Stories tap into that wordless internal world that is the source of knowing what is right and important.
Their thought processes tend to be relational and integrative. "Going with the flow" helps them connect the seemingly unconnectable, life's many opposites. They often start in the middle of an idea, grasping its importance, and love to have the freedom to flow from one thought to the next. They have a way of knowing what is believable.
Their incredible ability to be present with another on a deep level requires a different sense of time than structured time. They often speak of struggling with structure, forever trying to get their lives in order.
Relationships
For Harmonizer Clarifiers, relationships are about selfdiscovery - each person learning more about who he or she really is. There is an idealism in the process of relating, and everything has a symbolic significance. They want the other person, the group members, or the community to have a sense of purpose and ethics. They will just know when they are getting the "real" person in the relationship. Integrity, validation, and affirmation are very important. They can be an enigma with many aspects of themselves for different relationships. Sharing beliefs are important. They are often disappointed if the other person or the group doesn't share their beliefs and will tend to withdraw and be silent. There is a lot of self-reflectiveness about how to "be" in a relationship, and they may miss the moment for connecting; so much is internal, but they want so much to connect they may do it indirectly.
In their close relationships, they can be very subtle and are often the most romantic. Others may miss the significance of their symbolic gestures. When the other person is right for them, the person is totally right, and when the other person is not, then that person is totally wrong. They expect the relationship to be deep and meaningful. When it is, they are willing to commit.
.............................................................................................................................................................
ENFP Portrait - Discoverer Advocate
What’s it like to be you?
I have to be directly in contact with people and know that somehow I am influencing what happens for them in a positive way. That is a kind of driving force in my life, actualizing potential, giving encouragement, letting people know what I think they can do. I have been told I have this uncanny ability to absolutely zero in on and intuit what people need. I sometimes recognize something about them that they have not said to anybody else. And they say, “How did you know?”
I see myself as a facilitator. It’s not about imposing what I want to see happen, although I have some grand ideal of everyone having a better life or feeling better or dealing with a particular issue. Being able to understand people in depth gives me a feeling I have been friends with them forever, and when I act too much that way, they may not be able to handle it. But I feel sad when I see potential in someone and they are either denying it or not able to access it in some way. I’m very sensitive too, but sometimes easily discouraged, and I still go on thrilled to meet new people, with an interest in assisting them in whatever they are seeking. I give them both knowledge and meaning. I bring a fresh perspective and my appreciation for people’s goodness.
If I’m stuck for hours working at a monotonous task, I get peculiar, zonky, and weird. I get very tired if I can’t get out and exchange information. I’ll lack bounce, the bubbling of ideas that makes me run through life. I absolutely have to have a fulfilling job or I get depressed. I want to use my talents, make a difference, and have autonomy. If not, I struggle to retain a sense of self and it’s like my spirit is dying.
People talk about being drawn to me. Friends are so important to me and I have good intentions. I like to think I’ll do whatever I can do to hold on to them, but often I don’t get around to writing or calling. They know that if they create a friendship with me, then the friendship is going to be intense and loyal and I will be there for them when they really need me. And I can engage with people that I care about who are a distance away and feel like they are a part of my life on an ongoing basis, picking up a lot of feeling from what they write or when they call. It would be easier to spin straw into gold than be totally alone...
I remember this wonderful little boy, but he was conning everyone. I kept looking straight at him, “in the soul,” and finally he put his hands up over his eyes and said, “You’ve got to quit looking at me like that. I can look at people like that, but you can’t look at me like that.” And I completely understood him and I said, “I know who you are, and it’s not bad. It’s good, you’re good, and you have promise.” That’s what people don’t want to hear—I see you, I value you, I care what you’ll become, and I wish to be a part of that if you need me.
Themes
For Discoverer Advocates, life is a process of inspiring and facilitating others to find and reach their full potential. They have a talent for seeing the core of someone, the unspoken essential goodness. They become the spokesperson for others, for what is needed most and for their higher purpose. They enjoy exploring perceptions and sharing deep emotional content, the "real stuff". This sharing is a magical moment when they truly connect. They constantly seek to have ideal relationships where they can have many ideal moments. To not have these empathetic moments is like being cut off from themselves.
Life is like a story. Stories provide ways to find meaning and to make a difference and provide the connecting thread that helps them know and understand others and through the situations.
Their thought process seem random; however, they are connective and relational. They are able to mediate differences and conflict by seeing the ways the differences connect. They often become the "voice" for the unspoken meanings they so easily pick up. They strive to keep communication channels open to make the best of a situation. They have a way of making things work without knowing why, which gives them the air of being magical as they respond courageously to their insights. The creative process is an important part of their lives.
In the interpersonal arena, they often instantly like people or not. Liking the people they are with is important. With their talent for seeing what's not being said, they often responds to others needs while putting their own needs and wants on hold. They like to spark something in others that others don't see themselves. They must be able to authentically live with themselves and seek to recognize happiness wherever it is.
They often feel a strong need to discover a definitive direction for themselves. They want the magical situtation to be permanent so are paradoxically on a continual quest for direction, resulting in a feeling of unrest.
Relationships
For Discoverer Advocates, relationships are about being on the same wavelength. People often get the sense they are understood perfectly by them. They are so perceptive in the moment that they read and mirror the other person's mood , the meaning of the other persons behavior, and when they're on, they're really right and everything feels in sync. The downside is they can make a lot of assumptions and projections that are sometimes really wrong. They can establish rapport instantly, can be charming and flirtatious in a way that uniquely connects with the other person. They frequently do whatever it takes to understand the deep meaning in what others do. Others may feel strangely connected with them, as if they have known them forever, and yet know nothing about them. They are uncanny at being the center of attention without being the topic of conversation. Getting at deep issues is important to them, and in the process, they are often catalysts for change. They want everyone to engage.
In their close relationships, they are romanticizing and idealistic. They want to share interests, ideas, and activities. Their ideal is a twin-like relationship. participating with each other, sharing the experience of it, where the relationship is real-time, live and in-person, with each other's beliefs the same. When that ideal connection is not there, they can become disillusioned and disappointed. They are often supportive of their partner's efforts to develop his or her potential and want to be supported and nurtured in return.
INFP
From Conversations with Harmonizer Clarifiers
The following is adapted from Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi, The 16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery (Telos Publications, 1999)
What’s it like to be you?
I have a very internal focus. I think I look at myself through other people’s eyes, but sometimes I can lose touch with how things work for me. Then I can get introspective, going very deep and staying there, not coming out too quickly or easily. Somehow I find it very difficult to put into words and communicate the things that really matter to me. Most people don’t have the foggiest notion about what goes on with me.
I like harmony and seek consensus and do well with the deep issues. My values and the things that are important to me often feel outside the mainstream in the sense that I feel impinged upon and uncomfortable with so much of what goes on. I’m too private to push my values on to other people, but I am convinced that one ought to be congruent in their own life if they are going to expect congruence from others. In a sense I hold other people to that standard, and I worry about my own incongruities, inconsistencies, and contradictions. Groups can be hard. I can put myself in the group process so rapidly and so completely, and it’s important not to get sucked in. I need to be predictable about what I believe.
I am a global thinker and I like to learn interactively. My thoughts need to be connected with some person or value. On reflection, don’t all thoughts have to be connected to something? I feed new information into other things I’ve read and my thoughts, and I can have a marvelous time just sitting with ideas. And I like to discuss or write things because I seem to have a lot in my head and I’ve got to get it out. I love bringing together different eclectic ideas and seeing what’s similar. I like to have my own ideas, hear others ideas, and have ideas challenged, bantering back and forth. Chitchat has no interest for me. I tend to do a lot of mental rehearsal and play in problem solving, and the fun part is figuring out how to do something. Motivation comes when something has real meaning or value for me, and while I enjoy ideas I don’t like having my values challenged.
For me, asking questions is just a different form of being quiet, a way to explore an inner thought stream or check out of reality and back into my thoughts. Sometimes I chuckle at myself that there is really no sequential way that I work though tasks...
I’m concerned about how others feel when they are around me. Lack of honesty or ethics or integrity in interactions—when someone is saying one thing but doing another—really puts me off. So does when someone doesn’t honor, or accept as valid, my communication or feeling as I try to talk to them about something that matters to me. And I don’t need to talk about myself. I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes I’m frustrated trying to communicate, and sometimes a metaphor or a joke or a story is a way to effectively express myself so what I’m saying can be heard by someone who hears or experiences things differently.
I don’t know what I am going to do next, but I trust in myself that something will come in as a new idea, with challenge and inner meaning. Whatever it is, it will be right. Although I would never actually say it, it feels as though I am grounded in the very being of who I am when I talk like this.
Themes
For Harmonizer Clarifiers, life is a process of uncovering mysteries, the mysteries of life - personal values and meanings and the meaning of life in general. They like learning about people, why they do what they do and who they are. They want to relate on a deep level, to be touched deeply and to resolve issues. Exploring moral questions like what is right and wrong and the battle between good and evil fascinates them. Knowing people's intentions helps them feel comfortable with their relationships.
They enjoy getting reaquainted with themselves. To not have a sense of congruence with their values and unity with oneself is worse than death. They must have a sense of integrity and wholeness.
They have a talent for facilitive listening and knowing what is behind what is said. When they listen deeply to another person, they help that person clarify their identity, their wants, and their needs. They want to help others enjoy who they are, accept themselves, and believe in themselves. Sometimes it is hard to turn off the deep listening, and they pay the price for presenting a more acceptable, conventional persona to the world.
Life is full of paradoxes and they are constantly balancing opposites. They can be fun and playful yet serious and intense. Others rarely glimpse the whole, rich tapestry of their lives. They often relate to others through stories and metaphors to connect differences and to provide gentle encouragement. Stories tap into that wordless internal world that is the source of knowing what is right and important.
Their thought processes tend to be relational and integrative. "Going with the flow" helps them connect the seemingly unconnectable, life's many opposites. They often start in the middle of an idea, grasping its importance, and love to have the freedom to flow from one thought to the next. They have a way of knowing what is believable.
Their incredible ability to be present with another on a deep level requires a different sense of time than structured time. They often speak of struggling with structure, forever trying to get their lives in order.
Relationships
For Harmonizer Clarifiers, relationships are about selfdiscovery - each person learning more about who he or she really is. There is an idealism in the process of relating, and everything has a symbolic significance. They want the other person, the group members, or the community to have a sense of purpose and ethics. They will just know when they are getting the "real" person in the relationship. Integrity, validation, and affirmation are very important. They can be an enigma with many aspects of themselves for different relationships. Sharing beliefs are important. They are often disappointed if the other person or the group doesn't share their beliefs and will tend to withdraw and be silent. There is a lot of self-reflectiveness about how to "be" in a relationship, and they may miss the moment for connecting; so much is internal, but they want so much to connect they may do it indirectly.
In their close relationships, they can be very subtle and are often the most romantic. Others may miss the significance of their symbolic gestures. When the other person is right for them, the person is totally right, and when the other person is not, then that person is totally wrong. They expect the relationship to be deep and meaningful. When it is, they are willing to commit.
.............................................................................................................................................................
ENFP Portrait - Discoverer Advocate
What’s it like to be you?
I have to be directly in contact with people and know that somehow I am influencing what happens for them in a positive way. That is a kind of driving force in my life, actualizing potential, giving encouragement, letting people know what I think they can do. I have been told I have this uncanny ability to absolutely zero in on and intuit what people need. I sometimes recognize something about them that they have not said to anybody else. And they say, “How did you know?”
I see myself as a facilitator. It’s not about imposing what I want to see happen, although I have some grand ideal of everyone having a better life or feeling better or dealing with a particular issue. Being able to understand people in depth gives me a feeling I have been friends with them forever, and when I act too much that way, they may not be able to handle it. But I feel sad when I see potential in someone and they are either denying it or not able to access it in some way. I’m very sensitive too, but sometimes easily discouraged, and I still go on thrilled to meet new people, with an interest in assisting them in whatever they are seeking. I give them both knowledge and meaning. I bring a fresh perspective and my appreciation for people’s goodness.
If I’m stuck for hours working at a monotonous task, I get peculiar, zonky, and weird. I get very tired if I can’t get out and exchange information. I’ll lack bounce, the bubbling of ideas that makes me run through life. I absolutely have to have a fulfilling job or I get depressed. I want to use my talents, make a difference, and have autonomy. If not, I struggle to retain a sense of self and it’s like my spirit is dying.
People talk about being drawn to me. Friends are so important to me and I have good intentions. I like to think I’ll do whatever I can do to hold on to them, but often I don’t get around to writing or calling. They know that if they create a friendship with me, then the friendship is going to be intense and loyal and I will be there for them when they really need me. And I can engage with people that I care about who are a distance away and feel like they are a part of my life on an ongoing basis, picking up a lot of feeling from what they write or when they call. It would be easier to spin straw into gold than be totally alone...
I remember this wonderful little boy, but he was conning everyone. I kept looking straight at him, “in the soul,” and finally he put his hands up over his eyes and said, “You’ve got to quit looking at me like that. I can look at people like that, but you can’t look at me like that.” And I completely understood him and I said, “I know who you are, and it’s not bad. It’s good, you’re good, and you have promise.” That’s what people don’t want to hear—I see you, I value you, I care what you’ll become, and I wish to be a part of that if you need me.
Themes
For Discoverer Advocates, life is a process of inspiring and facilitating others to find and reach their full potential. They have a talent for seeing the core of someone, the unspoken essential goodness. They become the spokesperson for others, for what is needed most and for their higher purpose. They enjoy exploring perceptions and sharing deep emotional content, the "real stuff". This sharing is a magical moment when they truly connect. They constantly seek to have ideal relationships where they can have many ideal moments. To not have these empathetic moments is like being cut off from themselves.
Life is like a story. Stories provide ways to find meaning and to make a difference and provide the connecting thread that helps them know and understand others and through the situations.
Their thought process seem random; however, they are connective and relational. They are able to mediate differences and conflict by seeing the ways the differences connect. They often become the "voice" for the unspoken meanings they so easily pick up. They strive to keep communication channels open to make the best of a situation. They have a way of making things work without knowing why, which gives them the air of being magical as they respond courageously to their insights. The creative process is an important part of their lives.
In the interpersonal arena, they often instantly like people or not. Liking the people they are with is important. With their talent for seeing what's not being said, they often responds to others needs while putting their own needs and wants on hold. They like to spark something in others that others don't see themselves. They must be able to authentically live with themselves and seek to recognize happiness wherever it is.
They often feel a strong need to discover a definitive direction for themselves. They want the magical situtation to be permanent so are paradoxically on a continual quest for direction, resulting in a feeling of unrest.
Relationships
For Discoverer Advocates, relationships are about being on the same wavelength. People often get the sense they are understood perfectly by them. They are so perceptive in the moment that they read and mirror the other person's mood , the meaning of the other persons behavior, and when they're on, they're really right and everything feels in sync. The downside is they can make a lot of assumptions and projections that are sometimes really wrong. They can establish rapport instantly, can be charming and flirtatious in a way that uniquely connects with the other person. They frequently do whatever it takes to understand the deep meaning in what others do. Others may feel strangely connected with them, as if they have known them forever, and yet know nothing about them. They are uncanny at being the center of attention without being the topic of conversation. Getting at deep issues is important to them, and in the process, they are often catalysts for change. They want everyone to engage.
In their close relationships, they are romanticizing and idealistic. They want to share interests, ideas, and activities. Their ideal is a twin-like relationship. participating with each other, sharing the experience of it, where the relationship is real-time, live and in-person, with each other's beliefs the same. When that ideal connection is not there, they can become disillusioned and disappointed. They are often supportive of their partner's efforts to develop his or her potential and want to be supported and nurtured in return.
Finding Balance - Jan 12
I'm finally caught up to the correct date and topic. Yay. I've found it difficult to work through too many things in a single day. It overloads my system and since the tbi I have to recover through sleep. Sleep has captured me for long periods of time the past few days. Here is to learning my limits and having some patience...I have none..and don't ask for patience...you only get trapped in situation after situation requiring patience. It sucks.
Balance. The striving point for every one in this Life is balance. Work, family, play, relationships, me time, work, rest, sleep...there is so much to balance. I visualize a teeter-totter in my mind when I think of balance. There must be a counter balance to maintain our equilibrium. Right? Too much of anything is not good for you as the saying goes. And it is, sadly, true.
In order to keep balance...maintaining the narrow path is difficult....there must be a balance of forces. Think of that teeter totter. When one side goes up, the other side goes down. In order to stay in balance a flow happens between the two opposing forces. Walking our path we go up mountains and down into valleys. Balance or the Yin and Yang is walking that line between opposing forces. Sometimes the only way we can find balance is to go to extremes. That's okay. It's maintaining the awareness that matters and moving towards the balance point, which is not necessarily center.
Currently I know I'm out of balance. I feel it in my body, mind and soul. In order to find the balance point, I need to know where I am first. By figuring out where I'm at I can then look for the opposing force that will counterbalance my current state of being to bring me back into balance. Ever the deep thinker am I.
Dancing is now part of my daily routine. It gets me out of my head, into my body and allows me to express my emotions in a healthy manner. Most importantly dancing is also conditioning my body, which needs it badly. Meditation. Each day I check in with me to see where I'm at so I have a baseline reference to make sure I'm taking care of myself. During this time I send love to every part of me and to others I care about. Writing this blog is another outlet for me to get out what I've been holding onto for too long.
Balance is a goal. Like Life, is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
Balance. The striving point for every one in this Life is balance. Work, family, play, relationships, me time, work, rest, sleep...there is so much to balance. I visualize a teeter-totter in my mind when I think of balance. There must be a counter balance to maintain our equilibrium. Right? Too much of anything is not good for you as the saying goes. And it is, sadly, true.
In order to keep balance...maintaining the narrow path is difficult....there must be a balance of forces. Think of that teeter totter. When one side goes up, the other side goes down. In order to stay in balance a flow happens between the two opposing forces. Walking our path we go up mountains and down into valleys. Balance or the Yin and Yang is walking that line between opposing forces. Sometimes the only way we can find balance is to go to extremes. That's okay. It's maintaining the awareness that matters and moving towards the balance point, which is not necessarily center.
Currently I know I'm out of balance. I feel it in my body, mind and soul. In order to find the balance point, I need to know where I am first. By figuring out where I'm at I can then look for the opposing force that will counterbalance my current state of being to bring me back into balance. Ever the deep thinker am I.
Dancing is now part of my daily routine. It gets me out of my head, into my body and allows me to express my emotions in a healthy manner. Most importantly dancing is also conditioning my body, which needs it badly. Meditation. Each day I check in with me to see where I'm at so I have a baseline reference to make sure I'm taking care of myself. During this time I send love to every part of me and to others I care about. Writing this blog is another outlet for me to get out what I've been holding onto for too long.
Balance is a goal. Like Life, is about the journey, not the destination.
"Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes
to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys.
Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley
is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Letting Go of Guilt - Jan 11
"There is a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use,"
said one recovering woman,
"The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
Guilt, in a healthy expression, is meant to keep us on the right track...so to speak. It's an internal warning system that let's us know when we are doing something wrong.
However, through our families, and relationships with other's this natural instinct to help us correct course has been turned into a weapon. Guilt is used as a means to control another human being. On the other hand, it is an internal feeling and in nobody's control except our own. Also in our own control is how we speak to others to make sure our words are not being said to control another person.
My kids hated this lesson growing up. "Mom, you make me feel guilty for _____" fill in the blank with a behavior. "No. I do not make you feel anything. Not even love. You feel on your own and have the power to control those feelings. (again not listening to myself preach. Dam!) I do not have that type of power. You feel guilty for what you've done, not my words. Maybe you should think about what you did, why you feel guilty and get back to me with a solution." Yep, it totally sucked to have me as a mom growing up. Yet, my kids love me...so I did something right along the way.
There will always be people in our lives that can push our buttons. The opening quote was the basis of the abuse I survived in my second marriage. I literally began to feel crazy because he could take a situation and turn it around to where it was my fault. Questioning myself at every turn became my creed. I no longer could trust my own thoughts. He made everything sound so rational that I believed him. At last I started a journal. I wrote down everything so I could come back to it later to see if I was really crazy or if it was him. I never told my family while this was happening. They might think I was crazy too after all. I would pose some of the situations to my mom for her opinion and that's when I realized I needed counseling. This is an extreme case, but where I truly learned about guilt, manipulation and controlling another person.
Through counseling I learned the best analogy. Many people over the years could not understand why I would stay in an abusive relationship for 7 years. How could you allow him to control you? I had no answer. This helps outsiders understand and it applies to guilt associated with those addicted to drugs in our life as well and how we respond to it....
Take a frog and toss it in a pot of boiling water. What will it do? It will immediately jump out. It's survival instinct kicks in sensing danger to preserve it's life. Now, take that same frog and put it in a pot of temperate water. Then slowly increase the heat of the water. What does the frog do? It stays in the pot until his goose is literally cooked. Why? Because the temperature change is so gradual it is unaware of the danger. So, it stays in the pot until it is too late.
My son is the best at pushing mine. He will bring up things from our shared past and wave it in front of me knowing I feel bad for it and then use it to get what he wants in the moment. When I finally stopped feeling guilty about things I did when he was growing up, he can no longer manipulate me through guilt. The sensation of being free is ....delightful.
For me, learning to say no AND that it is a complete sentence is a major step forward. My giving nature is often taken advantage of by people. I know it. I see it. I feel it. Now I have a choice. I can chose yes or no as a response. By taking an internal inventory of the pros, cons and which answer feels right...I can feel better about my decisions without feeling guilty. It is self-care to say no.
"Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Fear - Jan 10
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson
Fear is my biggest foe. We battle it out all the time both of us bloody from the fight. I'm tired of it. How about you?
Every time I think I've learned this lesson...that by facing and walking through our fears we are being guided towards growth...I falter. The voice of the ego (evil devil) overpowers the voice of the observer of my life (soul, angel, guide). I've noticed that the more I live in fear, the more I attract situations that induce fear in myself. We get what we focus on. Law of Attraction.
After my car accident an awareness that the sense of fear that always sat in my belly was missing. Gone. In it's place was an inner tranquility I'd never felt before. It was so comfortable! As the years go by, different medications are tested on me and I grow...the fear comes back. It no longer resides in my belly...ya know that "pit in your stomach" that you can feel all balled up? That has not come back...thank you! Instead it takes up temporary residence in my thoughts, the way I look at a situation, interaction I see all sides and this can induce fear. By living life in fear, it is not truly living. It's closing yourself off to a full life.
There is always something beneath the fear. Fear, anger, shame...all cover up another emotion if you dare to look deeper. For me, the fear is that I will get exactly what I want and that i have not thought fully enough about what I really want.
"Today I will participate in life to the best of my ability.
Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Self Responsibility Jan 9
"We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."
~ Codependent No More
Caretaking. It sounds like such a nice word but taking care of another person can be damaging. I prevented my son from hitting his bottom enough times to see I was hurting him vs. helping him find sobriety.
Being split between an INFP & ENFP personality type (heaven help me) caretaking is innate to my being. I don't mean to take on responsibilities of other's, but I do. Knowing this about myself I'm constantly asking myself, "Does this belong to me?" I hold it up, look at all sides and if it's "mine" I keep it and work through what needs to be done and if it is not...I'm learning to give it back to it's owner.
While going through just the first 9 days of the month in this book it dawned on me that while these meditations are helpful in general, as individuals we all handle things differently. As Shrek so aptly put it, we're like onions. We have all these layers that make us this beautiful, unique individual. While I might relate better to those in my personality types, I am also a Piscean influenced by Aquarius rising, an Empath, and element wise I'm Earth. Each of these different layers creates the way I experience Life and interact with others. So, while blanket statements can be beneficial....I'm seeing that as this unique individual that I am...not all of these blanket statements work for me. AND because I think way too much, I'm working out a new way to process these steps in a way that works for me. Since the focus of this book is learning to put ourselves first, sounds like a plan of attack.
I do not feel responsible for another person's happiness, healing, whatever life process they are going through. I know how they feel is separate from me. That doesn't mean that I don't deeply desire to help them. My biggest problem is helping when it has not been asked of me. I want to help so much and share what I've learned to benefit another that I can come off as pushy...and a pain in the ass. Even though that is not my intent. Many teachers (people) come into my life to teach me this lesson over and over...and over again. Thank you. I want to get this right and stop the lessons.
Back when I was 19 I had an experience that grounded me in the belief that I am NOT responsible for another's emotions or their actions. During a breakup the guy threatened to kill himself if I left him. Talk about a guilt trip right?
While I was emotionally devastated over leaving the love of my life, I knew it was the right thing to do for me. A peaceful sensation washed over me during this conversation. My inner voice said...nope this is not on your shoulders, it's on him. So I told the guy that whatever decision he made was his to make and had nothing to do with me. I am responsible for my own emotions and it is not possible for me to make anyone else feel a certain emotion, that is an internal function.... I do not have that much power. If you think I do, then you've given your power away to another that cannot even use it.
Where I trip and fall on my ass is with my family....especially my kids. I am aware enough that this is an issue for me that I keep an eye out for stepping into the pit falls I choose not to see (inventory). It's a tricky dance, but I'm finding balance.
"Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory."
~ Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Vulnerability Jan 8
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
~ Kahlil Gibran
Oh, this hits home. Yes, I made the decision several years ago that I would not allow myself to be hurt ever again. In response to that decision I went into shut down mode, Zombieland. Emotional pain was simply too great to face it head on. I've also terminated relationships the first time I felt hurt because of the promise I made. Through doing this I see that not only did I hurt the person, but also myself by not being open. I wasn't capable.
The past 6 years has brought so much pain and grief that the only way for me to survive was to, in fact, go numb. I wasn't just overwhelmed, but the wind was knocked out of me. I felt like I was drowning without a life preserver in sight. Being self-reliant I shoved down the emotions and carried on for my kids. And now I finally get why I recently hit the wall. I've held it together for my kids. Now that they are on their own, it's just me. Everything I've held in for so long has crumbled at my feet.
Melody asks us to feel vulnerable enough to feel the hurt, when it's appropriate take responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and do what we need to take care of ourselves. I didn't willingly step into this process, but I'm here none the less. The goal is to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not get trapped in analyze them or allow them to control our behavior. By feeling the hurt we then allow joy into that space.
Pain in the body is a warning sign that something is wrong. I can see that us feeling hurt is telling us that we might need to set a boundary, depending on the situation. Many times it's the evil inner voice that hurts me. I need to learn not to listen to that voice. If it isn't guiding me in a positive way, it isn't the voice of guidance.
I've always been emotional, overly so according to most men in my life. Growing up with this thought rolling around in my brain I've felt shameful for my emotions instead of embracing them. Words were flung at me that I clung to that told me I was too emotional, why do always cry, oh grow up, it's just business...it's not personal...all words said in an attempt for others to control my emotions. And I allowed it! I didn't know any better. I've been seeking validation for my feelings and when not found I stuffed them down thereby no longer allowing vulnerability. Enlightening.
I suppose because of the way I was treated I made sure to educate my son and daughter that it's okay to feel your emotions, it's okay to cry..it is NOT okay to hit one another though. When you bottle them up it makes you ill. I taught them well, if only I'd listen to myself. Oh wise one.
Being vulnerable is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions. I totally understand the concept and have employed it throughout my life, and utterly ignored at other times. Like now. What I did not get and am not sure how to do...is simply feel the emotion, allow other's to bubble up that want to follow and then let them be. I don't need to break down why I feel what I feel, judge what triggered the reaction...just feel it and let it go. As someone who experiences all of Life through my feelings/emotions I don't know how to separate them. Maybe I'm too vulnerable and need to learn the opposite? If I come up with any insights in the future I'll add to this post. I do know this is something I'd like to employ in the future, but I'm not there yet.
"Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in my life."
~ Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Jan 7 Dealing with Painful Feelings
Oh joy. Dealing with painful feelings. I'm not sure I totally agree with Melody here, "Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life." Really? Maybe for hurt feelings over a misunderstanding, but serious life events this seems to fall a bit short IMHO.
However, I do get her saying to talk to the person and not attack innocent bystanders when you're upset. Gotcha.
I don't really have much to say here so on to the next....
Kristy
However, I do get her saying to talk to the person and not attack innocent bystanders when you're upset. Gotcha.
I don't really have much to say here so on to the next....
Kristy
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Relationships Jan 6
"If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well.
A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life.
A relationship is a continuation of life."
~ Beyond Codependency
Relationships are the joy and bane of my existence. Indeed relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road...hence the title of this portion of my blog. We can't learn and grow in isolation. No matter how hard I try to prove otherwise. Melody points out that being a codependent..well you have to be in a relationship with another human being to be codependent right? Right Or with pets, they count in my book....our goal in recovery is to demonstrate responsibility towards ourselves. Sigh. It sounds so easy! As easy as ice skating looks to me, but it takes practice not to fall on your ass.
Through relationships...not just love, but co-workers, friends, siblings, all of them..I am learning to take care of myself. I'm also learning to be intimate when it feels right. I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy, but making a connection with another person on a deep level. I'm also learning that just because I'm finally ready for relating to people again, it doesn't mean someone else is ready to work through it with me. What I see though is self-care in action. In the end, it's a successful situation. If something is meant to be, it will happen.
Melody asks us to consider the following questions in our relationships. Boy is it making me think...hard.
- Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control?
- Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say might be uncomfortable?
- Is there someone we've been avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that person?
- Do we need to make an amend?
- Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?
Uh..Yes.. and since this is all more personal than a blog...this work is private stuff. However, I have learned some things over the years that I can share.
When we meet another person that attracts us to them (that person behind you in line, friend, lover, etc) we are seeing qualities in them that we have yet to uncover, cultivate within ourselves. It's there, this quality. We just need help uncovering it. These people are like a two-way mirror. By looking into them we are actually seeing a part of ourselves reflecting back into us. Now, the trick is identifying the trait they have that you need to uncover. When our relationships end many times its because one of us did not uncover that trait and now unknowingly resent the other person for owning that shiny thing we once admired.
As synchronicity goes, I got an email from The Daily Love addressing this same concept. Spot on. Kinda freaky actually. Anyway, I've taken this approach for the past gosh...since 1998 when I left an abusive, now ex, husband. While I could look at the events in our relationship and see what happened...he could not open his eyes to see. I learned so much from him. Mainly through trials by fire, but I came out purified and tempered into the me I am meant to be. He still walks with his eyes closed to life around him with little signs of growth. That is his work, not mine. So, I had to move on. I send him love...so much love it overflows like a river breaking it's banks. Through this show of love I unconsciously intimidate my abuser, or so my daughter tells me. I had no idea the power of love could turn a situation around. It can change anything. Love through the pain, hurt, grief, anger...love yourself AND the other person and watch the shift occur.
I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust.
I will ask for what I need and give what feels right."
~ The Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Accepting Help Jan 5
There's this feeling that is part of who I am. While I work on it, man it's hard to change. I have this inner feeling that I have to do everything on my own. Oh, I'll lend a hand to help others...beyond my limits. But can I accept help? Ahem. Well. I'm learning.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
"Today, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into Your Divine Power and presence, and resources for love, support and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help and support that's there for me. Help me know I am loved."
~ The Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Making Connections
Wow, reading through these daily meditations has a way of tossing me through so many memories. I've picked up this book not only to work through issues from my family of origin, but through domestic abuse, work problems, financial problems...Life.
As I work through the days and write down my crap...I turn the page and find a connection. I just wrote how I'm going to allow my kids to help me. I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with people I trust. I turn the page and the topic is Accepting Help. Hello synchronicity. What I need, when I need it. It's been happening a lot lately. My take on this is that I'm finally doing what I need to do. Confirmation.
Cheers! Kristy
As I work through the days and write down my crap...I turn the page and find a connection. I just wrote how I'm going to allow my kids to help me. I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable with people I trust. I turn the page and the topic is Accepting Help. Hello synchronicity. What I need, when I need it. It's been happening a lot lately. My take on this is that I'm finally doing what I need to do. Confirmation.
Cheers! Kristy
Separating from Family Issues Jan 4
This past year I've felt I lost three family members. What I see now is that I finally set boundaries saying, "I can no longer tolerate the way you treat me. Our current relationship does not serve my best interest. The hurting must stop." It's sucked! It was the right thing to do. I am in a healthier state of being without these toxic relationships. It doesn't hurt any less though. Silver lining....Hello major step to nurturing myself with boundaries!
I've dog-eared this page. Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves. Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue. It doesn't belong to us/me/you. I forget this. I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath. Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled. It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.
My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them. In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change. In this situation, I changed. I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet? Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done." I was ready to end what wasn't good for me. I reached my limit.
Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch. I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope. I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away. I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word. Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand. I'm working through my emotions. What do I need? What feels right? What can I live with? When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.
In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado. I need my support system. In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs." TBI is a daily challenge. Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone. It is not in my best interest. So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met. This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave. Nothing in life is easy. Things will work out for my higher good. Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love. What a journey!
I've dog-eared this page. Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves. Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue. It doesn't belong to us/me/you. I forget this. I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath. Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled. It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.
My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them. In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change. In this situation, I changed. I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet? Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done." I was ready to end what wasn't good for me. I reached my limit.
Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch. I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope. I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away. I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word. Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand. I'm working through my emotions. What do I need? What feels right? What can I live with? When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.
In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado. I need my support system. In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs." TBI is a daily challenge. Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone. It is not in my best interest. So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met. This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave. Nothing in life is easy. Things will work out for my higher good. Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love. What a journey!
Today, I will learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues.
I will also step into their welcome embrace and allow them to help me...because I need their help.
I need to remember that allowing them to help me makes them feel good too. I can offer them a way to help me that is healthy for us all.
~ Kristy
Recovery Road Show Jan 2/3
Healthy Limits - 1/2 & Nurturing Self-care 1/3 (related themes)
"...there isn't a guidebook for setting boundaries. Each of us has our own guide inside ourselves. If we continue to work at recovery, our boundaries will develop. They will get healthy and sensitive. Our selves will tell us what we need to know, and we'll love ourselves enough to listen."
~ Beyond Codependency
Boundaries and self care. One of My Life's themes. Yuck. This is the greatest area of growth for me this past year and also the bane of my existence. I know boundaries are vital, not only to recovery, but in living Life in general. I learned in high school, through group therapy sessions with my brother's in rehab, that I am a caretaker. I didn't get it. The therapist explained the role I assumed in the family unit was to balance the craziness. "Visualize a baby mobile. As one family member moves out of balance, you go to them and bring them back into balance. Kristy, this is NOT your responsibility. It is not your job to take care of everyone else. Let it go." So what do I do? Become a massage therapist where assisting other's heal IS my job. I'm such an INFP. It's part of my innate nature. I was born this way.
Setting limits and nurturing myself are critical to my own self-esteem, working through my feelings, working with clients, allowing myself to love others and know I am deserving of being loved. I'm tired of these lessons. Mainly because I have not employed what I know and keep falling off the damned wagon. Yet, I forgive myself because I know I am not perfect (don't want to be) and there is a "Higher Timing" involved. Nothing happens until it is time.
Setting limits and nurturing myself are critical to my own self-esteem, working through my feelings, working with clients, allowing myself to love others and know I am deserving of being loved. I'm tired of these lessons. Mainly because I have not employed what I know and keep falling off the damned wagon. Yet, I forgive myself because I know I am not perfect (don't want to be) and there is a "Higher Timing" involved. Nothing happens until it is time.
My boundaries are becoming clearer as I take the time to listen to my inner voice. I'm learning to trust that it guides me to where I am supposed to be on my Path. When I don't listen is when I get into trouble. I've avoided taking the time to allow awareness to come to me. Zombieland is what I do when Life get's too much to handle. My brother's turned to drugs or alcohol, I shut down. Numb. It's my drug of choice. Along with caffeine, but I digress. Well, I'm setting a boundary to not allow myself to do live perpetually in Zombieland. Time to move along Kristy.
I get angry with myself for not working on my boundaries and caring for myself. Boundaries and self care come from a place deep within. Sometimes anger is a great motivator to move me into action. It takes a lot to get me angry since the TBI. I used to be a bit hot-headed, now not so much. I have not trusted my inner voice since my brain injury. The further away I get from the date of impact I realize how deep the fog was that I lived in prior to taking up residence in Zombieland. Each day the fog clears a bit more. Comparing notes with one of my brother's he compared my state of being after the accident to himself when he was using. Aha. Interesting.
Why don't I trust myself? I was totally convinced of my ability to drive after my car accident. Months later I had an Aha moment that lead me to carpool with a classmate vs. driving to school myself. I was a danger to myself and others. So, now I question myself about everything. After 4 years I'm learning it's okay to trust myself again. When I question myself (read: sanity), I turn to trusted friends to make sure my self evaluation is on target with what they observe in me. I set a limit and didn't realize it till this moment.
Boundaries and self-care are not just about what I don't want or need in life. They are also about tearing down walls or expanding the ones that block me from enjoying my life. Through creating a space of awareness I've discovered a fear of being happy, allowing myself to be loved and loving in return. It hasn't worked well in the past so I've established some self-defeating behaviors that must change. Somewhere along my Path I came up with the silly idea that I don't deserve to be happy or loved well. Darn it, I do deserve to be loved and happiness is a choice I make each day.
Oddly enough I've learned to create good boundaries in my work as a massage therapist. Naturally I learned it the hard way. I always learn best through adversity. After my first experience with clients, I took home their pain in my own body. They left feeling fabulous, as I drove home my body was in agony. My teachers informed me I'm what's termed an Empath. I feel other's emotions and bodily pain as if it were my own. I created a ritual of sorts to set boundaries with clients so I would no longer embody their issues. I see now I need to employ this technique in my daily Life. How? Well...
Take time to be aware of where I'm at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. No effort is made to change my state of being, simply be aware of Kristy. Then when working with a client if I'd feel pain, in say my right knee, I could go back to my awareness and evaluate...Does this belong to me? Nope. It's the client. Or yep, that's me. By establishing a baseline every morning before I get out of bed I can better establish boundaries as needed throughout my day. I also can take responsibility for myself and let go of what does not belong to me. I'm having a Homer Simpson moment. Doh! Getting back to work will also aid me in nurturing myself and respecting my boundaries.
Kristy
I get angry with myself for not working on my boundaries and caring for myself. Boundaries and self care come from a place deep within. Sometimes anger is a great motivator to move me into action. It takes a lot to get me angry since the TBI. I used to be a bit hot-headed, now not so much. I have not trusted my inner voice since my brain injury. The further away I get from the date of impact I realize how deep the fog was that I lived in prior to taking up residence in Zombieland. Each day the fog clears a bit more. Comparing notes with one of my brother's he compared my state of being after the accident to himself when he was using. Aha. Interesting.
Why don't I trust myself? I was totally convinced of my ability to drive after my car accident. Months later I had an Aha moment that lead me to carpool with a classmate vs. driving to school myself. I was a danger to myself and others. So, now I question myself about everything. After 4 years I'm learning it's okay to trust myself again. When I question myself (read: sanity), I turn to trusted friends to make sure my self evaluation is on target with what they observe in me. I set a limit and didn't realize it till this moment.
Boundaries and self-care are not just about what I don't want or need in life. They are also about tearing down walls or expanding the ones that block me from enjoying my life. Through creating a space of awareness I've discovered a fear of being happy, allowing myself to be loved and loving in return. It hasn't worked well in the past so I've established some self-defeating behaviors that must change. Somewhere along my Path I came up with the silly idea that I don't deserve to be happy or loved well. Darn it, I do deserve to be loved and happiness is a choice I make each day.
Oddly enough I've learned to create good boundaries in my work as a massage therapist. Naturally I learned it the hard way. I always learn best through adversity. After my first experience with clients, I took home their pain in my own body. They left feeling fabulous, as I drove home my body was in agony. My teachers informed me I'm what's termed an Empath. I feel other's emotions and bodily pain as if it were my own. I created a ritual of sorts to set boundaries with clients so I would no longer embody their issues. I see now I need to employ this technique in my daily Life. How? Well...
Take time to be aware of where I'm at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. No effort is made to change my state of being, simply be aware of Kristy. Then when working with a client if I'd feel pain, in say my right knee, I could go back to my awareness and evaluate...Does this belong to me? Nope. It's the client. Or yep, that's me. By establishing a baseline every morning before I get out of bed I can better establish boundaries as needed throughout my day. I also can take responsibility for myself and let go of what does not belong to me. I'm having a Homer Simpson moment. Doh! Getting back to work will also aid me in nurturing myself and respecting my boundaries.
"Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow and set the limits I need in my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me."
AND
"Today, I will affirm that I am a gift to myself and the Universe. I will remember that nurturing self-care delivers that gift in its highest form."
~Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Codependent Road Show 1/1
The New Year - 1/1
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
- Practice self-care. My name is Kristy and I am a caretaker. As a professional healer I've already learned that I need to take care of myself first before I can do anything for anyone else. I have not done this. I fell off the wagon. This blog is an attempt to keep me honest with myself.
- Learn a Martial Art - I need inner balance and found it before when learning Tai Chi. This will help me get in shape body, mind and soul.
- Try Traditional Chinese Medicine - I have a few autoimmune diseases along with the brain injury. I've been on chemo therapy, DMARDS...a pharmicopia of pills, injections and IV treatments. Modern medicine is great, but when the side effects of the drugs are worse than the dis-ease...I've decided it's not worth it. Time for something new.
- Share a sunrise/sunset with someone special.
- Work with horses again
- Create self-employment
- Visit San Pancho, Mexico with my brother and his wife. Since mom and I had plans to visit there 2 days AFTER she died, I've avoided going. It was to be our celebration of Life together and she had the nerve to die beforehand. As executor of her will I had to cancel my trip while my brother still went. Lost of emotional baggage surround this trip. I will go because I need to walk through this fear and work through the emotions.
Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly, as needed. I will do it not to control, but to do my part in living my Life. ~ Melody Beattie
After reading through the first several days of the book, the work is too much for a single post. So, I'll work through them like Life...one step at a time.
Kristy
Recovering Codependent Road Show
I've decided to start a journal based on working my way through Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations for Codependents. My book is worn and water stained from use over the years. While I grew up with two addict/alcoholic brothers since the age of seven (they are 7 & 9 years older) I've found this book helpful for all of Life's situations. After my brain injury I've found it speak to me on a different level.
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
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