Showing posts with label tbi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tbi. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Accepting Help Jan 5
There's this feeling that is part of who I am. While I work on it, man it's hard to change. I have this inner feeling that I have to do everything on my own. Oh, I'll lend a hand to help others...beyond my limits. But can I accept help? Ahem. Well. I'm learning.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
Actually, I'm taking a giant step forward by accepting help from friends and family in my move back to Colorado. I have inner work that needs to be wrapped up back there. I call it home, but California still feels like home to me. One day I'd like to move back...near the ocean. Pipe dreams. It's a pun if you know surf talk. Sorry. Okay, moving on....
Two major Life Events brought this lesson home to me. The first was when my dad was going through chemo for terminal bladder cancer. I tried to "help" him see that he needed to enjoy his final days instead of going through chemo trying to extend his time. Well, I pissed him off. He didn't want that type of "help". He wasn't ready to accept his own mortality and here I was shoving it down his throat. Oops. Two weeks before he died we had a heart to heart. He said it was difficult to admit, but he should've listened to me and gone sailing and to Mexico instead of trying to extend his time. Because he was so ill from the chemo the quality of his life dropped dramatically. In the end, he decided it wasn't worth it. I learned not all help is wanted, especially when it isn't asked for by the receiver. I just went through this again with a friend. Pushing my help where it wasn't wanted. Yay Kristy.
Saying that, during this time mom's co-worker's brought home cooked meals every night during dad's last month with us. Mom didn't appreciate the help. I clearly remember saying, "Mom, this is the only way they can do something to help you in a helpless situation. By allowing them to help, it makes them feel like they are supporting you during the most difficult time in your life. Allow them to help. It makes a difference in the amount of time you can spend with daddy instead of cooking." I need to take my own advise more often.
Enter my car accident and brain injury. As I see it, the Universe forced me into a situation that required me to accept help. I had no choice. Okay, I did have a choice....give up. I needed help walking, relying on other's to drive me places, get groceries, cook, pay my bills....I was incapable of taking care of myself. I had to accept help. And I did. Visitors bugged me. I felt I needed to entertain them. They wanted to take care of me, but I thought me falling asleep on them was...well...rude. Guess what? They didn't care if I fell asleep. They just wanted to be there for me. In some cases I allowed this type of help and I look back thanking myself for allowing it. I don't always have to do everything on my own. Oddly enough I recognized this lesson through the brain fog haze of the injury. One of my pillars will be my roommate when I move to Colorado.
Did people let me down during this time? Yup. Even my mom, but I learned who was really there for me in the end. Friends walked in while other's walked out. I discovered who my true friends really are and to this day I value them more than gold. They also would not allow me to push them away and called me on my self-reliant nature. Thank you! You pulled me through.
"Today, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into Your Divine Power and presence, and resources for love, support and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help and support that's there for me. Help me know I am loved."
~ The Language of Letting Go
Kristy
Codependent Road Show 1/1
The New Year - 1/1
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
Goal setting. Giving my Life direction. I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years. Sigh. It hasn't worked very well. Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit. Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland. Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world. I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow. While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.
I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List. Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:
- Practice self-care. My name is Kristy and I am a caretaker. As a professional healer I've already learned that I need to take care of myself first before I can do anything for anyone else. I have not done this. I fell off the wagon. This blog is an attempt to keep me honest with myself.
- Learn a Martial Art - I need inner balance and found it before when learning Tai Chi. This will help me get in shape body, mind and soul.
- Try Traditional Chinese Medicine - I have a few autoimmune diseases along with the brain injury. I've been on chemo therapy, DMARDS...a pharmicopia of pills, injections and IV treatments. Modern medicine is great, but when the side effects of the drugs are worse than the dis-ease...I've decided it's not worth it. Time for something new.
- Share a sunrise/sunset with someone special.
- Work with horses again
- Create self-employment
- Visit San Pancho, Mexico with my brother and his wife. Since mom and I had plans to visit there 2 days AFTER she died, I've avoided going. It was to be our celebration of Life together and she had the nerve to die beforehand. As executor of her will I had to cancel my trip while my brother still went. Lost of emotional baggage surround this trip. I will go because I need to walk through this fear and work through the emotions.
Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly, as needed. I will do it not to control, but to do my part in living my Life. ~ Melody Beattie
After reading through the first several days of the book, the work is too much for a single post. So, I'll work through them like Life...one step at a time.
Kristy
Recovering Codependent Road Show
I've decided to start a journal based on working my way through Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations for Codependents. My book is worn and water stained from use over the years. While I grew up with two addict/alcoholic brothers since the age of seven (they are 7 & 9 years older) I've found this book helpful for all of Life's situations. After my brain injury I've found it speak to me on a different level.
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post. I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away. The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular. This time I'm trying it chronologically.
Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance. Life is about the journey, not the destination.
Kristy
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