Self Responsibility Jan 9

"We have been doing the wrong things for the right reasons."

~ Codependent No More

Caretaking.  It sounds like such a nice word but taking care of another person can be damaging.  I prevented my son from hitting his bottom enough times to see I was hurting him vs. helping him find sobriety.

Being split between an  INFP & ENFP personality type (heaven help me) caretaking is innate to my being.   I don't mean to take on responsibilities of other's, but I do.  Knowing this about myself I'm constantly asking myself, "Does this belong to me?" I hold it up, look at all sides and if it's "mine" I keep it and work through what needs to be done and if it is not...I'm learning to give it back to it's owner.

While going through just the first 9 days of the month in this book it dawned on me that while these meditations are helpful in general, as individuals we all handle things differently.  As Shrek so aptly put it, we're like onions.  We have all these layers that make us this beautiful, unique individual.  While I might relate better to those in my personality types, I am also a Piscean influenced by Aquarius rising, an Empath, and element wise I'm Earth.  Each of these different layers creates the way I experience Life and interact with others.  So, while blanket statements can be beneficial....I'm seeing that as this unique individual that I am...not all of these blanket statements work for me.  AND because I think way too much, I'm working out a new way to process these steps in a way that works for me.  Since the focus of this book is learning to put ourselves first, sounds like a plan of attack.

I do not feel responsible for another person's happiness, healing, whatever life process they are going through.  I know how they feel is separate from me.  That doesn't mean that I don't deeply desire to help them.  My biggest problem is helping when it has not been asked of me.  I want to help so much and share what I've learned to benefit another that I can come off as pushy...and a pain in the ass.  Even though that is not my intent.  Many teachers (people) come into my life to teach me this lesson over and over...and over again.  Thank you.  I want to get this right and stop the lessons.

Back when I was 19 I had an experience that grounded me in the belief that I am NOT responsible for another's emotions or their actions.  During a breakup the guy threatened to kill himself if I left him.  Talk about a guilt trip right?

While I was emotionally devastated over leaving the love of my life, I knew it was the right thing to do for me.  A peaceful sensation washed over me during this conversation.  My inner voice said...nope this is not on your shoulders, it's on him.  So I told the guy that whatever decision he made was his to make and had nothing to do with me.  I am responsible for my own emotions and it is not possible for me to make anyone else feel a certain emotion, that is an internal function....  I do not have that much power.  If you think I do, then you've given your power away to another that cannot even use it.

Where I trip and fall on my ass is with my family....especially my kids.  I am aware enough that this is an issue for me that I keep an eye out for stepping into the pit falls I choose not to see (inventory).  It's a tricky dance, but I'm finding balance.

"Today I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself.  I will let others do the same.  If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Vulnerability Jan 8

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” 

~ Kahlil Gibran 

Oh, this hits home.  Yes, I made the decision several years ago that I would not allow myself to be hurt ever again.  In response to that decision I went into shut down mode, Zombieland.  Emotional pain was simply too great to face it head on.  I've also terminated relationships the first time I felt hurt because of the promise I made.  Through doing this I see that not only did I hurt the person, but also myself by not being open.  I wasn't capable.

The past 6 years has brought so much pain and grief that the only way for me to survive was to, in fact, go numb.  I wasn't just overwhelmed, but the wind was knocked out of me.  I felt like I was drowning without a life preserver in sight.  Being self-reliant I shoved down the emotions and carried on for my kids.   And now I finally get why I recently hit the wall.  I've held it together for my kids.  Now that they are on their own, it's just me.  Everything I've held in for so long has crumbled at my feet.

Melody asks us to feel vulnerable enough to feel the hurt, when it's appropriate take responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and do what we need to take care of ourselves.  I didn't willingly step into this process, but I'm here none the less.  The goal is to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not get trapped in analyze them or allow them to control our behavior.  By feeling the hurt we then allow joy into that space.

Pain in the body is a warning sign that something is wrong.  I can see that us feeling hurt is telling us that we might need to set a boundary, depending on the situation.  Many times it's the evil inner voice that hurts me. I need to learn not to listen to that voice.  If it isn't guiding me in a positive way, it isn't the voice of guidance.

I've always been emotional, overly so according to most men in my life.  Growing up with this thought rolling around in my brain I've felt shameful for my emotions instead of embracing them.  Words were flung at me that I clung to that told me I was too emotional, why do always cry, oh grow up, it's just business...it's not personal...all words said in an attempt for others to control my emotions.  And I allowed it! I didn't know any better.  I've been seeking validation for my feelings and when not found I stuffed them down thereby no longer allowing vulnerability.  Enlightening.

I suppose because of the way I was treated I made sure to educate my son and daughter that it's okay to feel your emotions, it's okay to cry..it is NOT okay to hit one another though.  When you bottle them up it makes you ill.  I taught them well, if only I'd listen to myself.  Oh wise one.

Being vulnerable is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.  I totally understand the concept and have employed it throughout my life, and utterly ignored at other times.  Like now.  What I did not get and am not sure how to do...is simply feel the emotion, allow other's to bubble up that want to follow and then let them be.  I don't need to break down why I feel what I feel, judge what triggered the reaction...just feel it and let it go.  As someone who experiences all of Life through my feelings/emotions I don't know how to separate them.  Maybe I'm too vulnerable and need to learn the opposite?  If I come up with any insights in the future I'll add to this post.  I do know this is something I'd like to employ in the future, but I'm not there yet.

"Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain.  I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them.  I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships.  I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in my life."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy

Separating from Family Issues Jan 4

This past year I've felt I lost three family members.  What I see now is that I finally set boundaries saying, "I can no longer tolerate the way you treat me. Our current relationship does not serve my best interest.  The hurting must stop." It's sucked!  It was the right thing to do.  I am in a healthier state of being without these toxic relationships.  It doesn't hurt any less though.  Silver lining....Hello major step to nurturing myself with boundaries!

I've dog-eared this page.  Melody basically says it's okay to love our family, but one of our primary rights is to take care of ourselves.  Whether a family member is stuck in addiction, in recovery, addicted to work, victimization, or whatever their issue...it's their issue.  It doesn't belong to us/me/you.  I forget this.  I take on responsibility like it's the air I breath.  Of course I end up coughing up a lung on the floor from the toxic waste I've inhaled.  It's okay to remove myself from toxic relationships in order to be good to myself.

My freedom started when I stopped taking on my family member's issues and (while not necessarily as politely as I should) handed their stuff back to them.  In order for a relationship with another to change, one of the people in the relationship must change.  In this situation, I changed.  I taught my kids this (they love to hate me...job well done then)...I ask myself these questions "Are you done yet?  Have you had enough?" Then listen for the truth to bubble up. The trick is to be honest with myself and know it's okay if I'm not done. With these family members I heard, "Put a fork in and call me done."  I was ready to end what wasn't good for me.  I reached my limit.

Now, since this page is dog-eared it means I repeat this lesson. A bunch.  I'm currently in a situation where my gut is telling me, "Nope.  I am not done." However, in this case I have no control aside from walking away.  I didn't want to walk away and ended up having the table turned on me so I was forced to keep my word.  Stubborn ass that I am, I don't like being forced down my Path with walking papers in hand.  I'm working through my emotions.  What do I need?  What feels right?  What can I live with?  When I have answers I can then take them to this situation and find closure.

In the meantime, I'm walking forward by moving back to Colorado.  I need my support system.  In this situation I'm saying, "Oops, I need and have friends and family that can meet these needs."  TBI is a daily challenge.  Since my brother and his wife went on a 6 week vacation it's become clear I should not live alone.  It is not in my best interest.  So, I'm moving to where I know my needs will be met.  This also means leaving behind what I do not want to leave.  Nothing in life is easy.  Things will work out for my higher good.  Arms open wide, I'm walking into fear and embracing my family and friends in love.  What a journey!

Today, I will learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues.  

I will also step into their welcome embrace and allow them to help me...because I need their help.  

I need to remember that allowing them to help me makes them feel good too.  I can offer them a way to help me that is healthy for us all.

~ Kristy

Codependent Road Show 1/1

The New Year - 1/1

Goal setting.  Giving my Life direction.  I've been living my Life by the seat of my pants for the past two years.  Sigh.  It hasn't worked very well.  Since my car accident and subsequent brain injury setting goals is not my strong suit.  Then my mom died and I entered Zombieland.  Having lost both parents I've found myself without my anchor, pillars, foundation in this world.  I've been floating on the sea with no direction simply going with the flow.  While living in the moment is what Life is about, I do need goals to ground me.

I already decided to create a 2012 Bucket List.  Here is what I have for short term and long term goals:

• Practice self-care.  My name is Kristy and I am a caretaker.  As a professional healer I've already learned that I need to take care of myself first before I can do anything for anyone else.  I have not done this.  I fell off the wagon.  This blog is an attempt to keep me honest with myself.
• Learn a Martial Art - I need inner balance and found it before when learning Tai Chi.  This will help me get in shape body, mind and soul.
• Try Traditional Chinese Medicine - I have a few autoimmune diseases along with the brain injury.  I've been on chemo therapy, DMARDS...a pharmicopia of pills, injections and IV treatments.  Modern medicine is great, but when the side effects of the drugs are worse than the dis-ease...I've decided it's not worth it.  Time for something new.
• Share a sunrise/sunset with someone special.
• Work with horses again
• Create self-employment
• Visit San Pancho, Mexico with my brother and his wife.  Since mom and I had plans to visit there 2 days AFTER she died, I've avoided going.  It was to be our celebration of Life together and she had the nerve to die beforehand.  As executor of her will I had to cancel my trip while my brother still went.  Lost of emotional baggage surround this trip.  I will go because I need to walk through this fear and work through the emotions.

Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals.  I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly, as needed.  I will do it not to control, but to do my part in living my Life. ~ Melody Beattie

After reading through the first several days of the book, the work is too much for a single post.  So, I'll work through them like Life...one step at a time.

Kristy 

Recovering Codependent Road Show

I've decided to start a journal based on working my way through Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations for Codependents.  My book is worn and water stained from use over the years.  While I grew up with two addict/alcoholic brothers since the age of seven (they are 7 & 9 years older) I've found this book helpful for all of Life's situations.  After my brain injury I've found it speak to me on a different level.

I missed the first 9 days of the year and will go through them all at once in my next post.  I've been "off the wagon" since I moved to Missouri in 2010 after my mother passed away.  The book was always in my nightstand and picked up when I needed something in particular.  This time I'm trying it chronologically.

Welcome to my Recovering Codependent Road Show as I walk my Path learning self-care and seeking balance.  Life is about the journey, not the destination.

Kristy