Vulnerability Jan 8

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” 

~ Kahlil Gibran 

Oh, this hits home.  Yes, I made the decision several years ago that I would not allow myself to be hurt ever again.  In response to that decision I went into shut down mode, Zombieland.  Emotional pain was simply too great to face it head on.  I've also terminated relationships the first time I felt hurt because of the promise I made.  Through doing this I see that not only did I hurt the person, but also myself by not being open.  I wasn't capable.

The past 6 years has brought so much pain and grief that the only way for me to survive was to, in fact, go numb.  I wasn't just overwhelmed, but the wind was knocked out of me.  I felt like I was drowning without a life preserver in sight.  Being self-reliant I shoved down the emotions and carried on for my kids.   And now I finally get why I recently hit the wall.  I've held it together for my kids.  Now that they are on their own, it's just me.  Everything I've held in for so long has crumbled at my feet.

Melody asks us to feel vulnerable enough to feel the hurt, when it's appropriate take responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and do what we need to take care of ourselves.  I didn't willingly step into this process, but I'm here none the less.  The goal is to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not get trapped in analyze them or allow them to control our behavior.  By feeling the hurt we then allow joy into that space.

Pain in the body is a warning sign that something is wrong.  I can see that us feeling hurt is telling us that we might need to set a boundary, depending on the situation.  Many times it's the evil inner voice that hurts me. I need to learn not to listen to that voice.  If it isn't guiding me in a positive way, it isn't the voice of guidance.

I've always been emotional, overly so according to most men in my life.  Growing up with this thought rolling around in my brain I've felt shameful for my emotions instead of embracing them.  Words were flung at me that I clung to that told me I was too emotional, why do always cry, oh grow up, it's just business...it's not personal...all words said in an attempt for others to control my emotions.  And I allowed it! I didn't know any better.  I've been seeking validation for my feelings and when not found I stuffed them down thereby no longer allowing vulnerability.  Enlightening.

I suppose because of the way I was treated I made sure to educate my son and daughter that it's okay to feel your emotions, it's okay to cry..it is NOT okay to hit one another though.  When you bottle them up it makes you ill.  I taught them well, if only I'd listen to myself.  Oh wise one.

Being vulnerable is allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.  I totally understand the concept and have employed it throughout my life, and utterly ignored at other times.  Like now.  What I did not get and am not sure how to do...is simply feel the emotion, allow other's to bubble up that want to follow and then let them be.  I don't need to break down why I feel what I feel, judge what triggered the reaction...just feel it and let it go.  As someone who experiences all of Life through my feelings/emotions I don't know how to separate them.  Maybe I'm too vulnerable and need to learn the opposite?  If I come up with any insights in the future I'll add to this post.  I do know this is something I'd like to employ in the future, but I'm not there yet.

"Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain.  I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them.  I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships.  I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in my life."

~ Language of Letting Go

Kristy