Letting Go of Guilt - Jan 11

"There is a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," 

said one recovering woman, 

"The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

Guilt, in a healthy expression, is meant to keep us on the right track...so to speak.  It's an internal warning system that let's us know when we are doing something wrong.

However, through our families, and relationships with other's this natural instinct to help us correct course has been turned into a weapon.  Guilt is used as a means to control another human being.  On the other hand, it is an internal feeling and in nobody's control except our own.  Also in our own control is how we speak to others to make sure our words are not being said to control another person.

My kids hated this lesson growing up.  "Mom, you make me feel guilty for _____" fill in the blank with a behavior.  "No.  I do not make you feel anything.  Not even love. You feel on your own and have the power to control those feelings. (again not listening to myself preach. Dam!) I do not have that type of power.  You feel guilty for what you've done, not my words.  Maybe you should think about what you did, why you feel guilty and get back to me with a solution."  Yep, it totally sucked to have me as a mom growing up.  Yet, my kids love me...so I did something right along the way.

There will always be people in our lives that can push our buttons.  The opening quote was the basis of the abuse I survived in my second marriage.  I literally began to feel crazy because he could take a situation and turn it around to where it was my fault.  Questioning myself at every turn became my creed. I no longer could trust my own thoughts.  He made everything sound so rational that I believed him. At last I started a journal.  I wrote down everything so I could come back to it later to see if I was really crazy or if it was him.  I never told my family while this was happening.  They might think I was crazy too after all.  I would pose some of the situations to my mom for her opinion and that's when I realized I needed counseling. This is an extreme case, but where I truly learned about guilt, manipulation and controlling another person.

Through counseling I learned the best analogy.  Many people over the years could not understand why I would stay in an abusive relationship for 7 years.  How could you allow him to control you?  I had no answer.  This helps outsiders understand and it applies to guilt associated with those addicted to drugs in our life as well and how we respond to it....

Take a frog and toss it in a pot of boiling water. What will it do?  It will immediately jump out.  It's survival instinct kicks in sensing danger to preserve it's life.  Now, take that same frog and put it in a pot of temperate water.  Then slowly increase the heat of the water.  What does the frog do?  It stays in the pot until his goose is literally cooked.  Why?  Because the temperature change is so gradual it is unaware of the danger.  So, it stays in the pot until it is too late.

My son is the best at pushing mine.  He will bring up things from our shared past and wave it in front of me knowing I feel bad for it and then use it to get what he wants in the moment.  When I finally stopped feeling guilty about things I did when he was growing up, he can no longer manipulate me through guilt.  The sensation of being free is ....delightful.

For me, learning to say no AND that it is a complete sentence is a major step forward.  My giving nature is often taken advantage of by people.  I know it.  I see it.  I feel it.  Now I have a choice.  I can chose yes or no as a response.  By taking an internal inventory of the pros, cons and which answer feels right...I can feel better about my decisions without feeling guilty.  It is self-care to say no.

"Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings.  Light and love are on my side."

~Language of Letting Go

Kristy