Relationships Jan 6

"If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well.   
A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life.  
A relationship is a continuation of life." 
~ Beyond Codependency

Relationships are the joy and bane of my existence.  Indeed relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road...hence the title of this portion of my blog.  We can't learn and grow in isolation.  No matter how hard I try to prove otherwise.  Melody points out that being a codependent..well you have to be in a relationship with another human being to be codependent right?  Right Or with pets, they count in my book....our goal in recovery is to demonstrate responsibility towards ourselves.  Sigh.  It sounds so easy!  As easy as ice skating looks to me, but it takes practice not to fall on your ass.

Through relationships...not just love, but co-workers, friends, siblings, all of them..I am learning to take care of myself.  I'm also learning to be intimate when it feels right.  I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy, but making a connection with another person on a deep level. I'm also learning that just because I'm finally ready for relating to people again, it doesn't mean someone else is ready to work through it with me.  What I see though is self-care in action.  In the end, it's a successful situation.  If something is meant to be, it will happen. 

Melody asks us to consider the following questions in our relationships.  Boy is it making me think...hard.

• Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control?
• Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say might be uncomfortable?
• Is there someone we've been avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that person?
• Do we need to make an amend?
• Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?

Uh..Yes.. and since this is all more personal than a blog...this work is private stuff.  However, I have learned some things over the years that I can share.

When we meet another person that attracts us to them (that person behind you in line, friend, lover, etc) we are seeing qualities in them that we have yet to uncover, cultivate within ourselves.  It's there, this quality.  We just need help uncovering it.  These people are like a two-way mirror.  By looking into them we are actually seeing a part of ourselves reflecting back into us.  Now, the trick is identifying the trait they have that you need to uncover.  When our relationships end many times its because one of us did not uncover that trait and now unknowingly resent the other person for owning that shiny thing we once admired.

As synchronicity goes, I got an email from The Daily Love addressing this same concept.  Spot on.  Kinda freaky actually.  Anyway, I've taken this approach for the past gosh...since 1998 when I left an abusive, now ex, husband.  While I could look at the events in our relationship and see what happened...he could not open his eyes to see.  I learned so much from him.  Mainly through trials by fire, but I came out purified and tempered into the me I am meant to be.  He still walks with his eyes closed to life around him with little signs of growth.  That is his work, not mine.  So, I had to move on.  I send him love...so much love it overflows like a river breaking it's banks.  Through this show of love I unconsciously intimidate my abuser, or so my daughter tells me.  I had no idea the power of love could turn a situation around.  It can change anything.  Love through the pain, hurt, grief, anger...love yourself AND the other person and watch the shift occur.

#Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability.  
I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust.  
I will ask for what I need and give what feels right."
~ The Language of Letting Go

Kristy